Mind Patterns

The Mind Patters Update.

12Oct/20
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Failing or staying with Unknown creates discomfort. And that leads to fearful thought
Age difference comparison triggers the same response
Fear of old age and not having child are the same.

Things are not going in favour, trying odesk, heart sink and comparison with Anil and judgement.
Trying to be what other wants me to be - Call with London girl. Got back.
Excitement of possible opportunity - Excited and unable to work.
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13Oct/20
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The habit of somehow just finish the work quickly, I retreat and did it properly, let It take time but do a good job in anything that you do.
Another habit of any successful completion should be celebrated. Not a very harmful habit but habit none the less.
The shell test was rather unexpected and my reaction was blaming to the platform. And mind was agitated about it. Somehow cheat and complete, I completed the task, did some cleaning and submitted it.
There is also this clicking back and forth things habit

There was a marriage talk with Lin, I kind of forced her to talk about marriage. This stayed whole night. She did something she said she is sorry that she is very anxious.

The conversation was unclear with Lin, It was uncomfortable to speak truth to her. But the best is always is to just be straight forward and truthful. She was in unstable state of mind, and talking about past, and what if you have done that. She was freaking out. First I felt, drained out. And then It was hard to meditate, and then it stayed at night. While my mind is keep telling it to lets end it. Why?

When she is in a negative state and needs me the most, because she says things, which are not agreeable, and throws the emotions out. Why does it make my state bad? If she is feeling fear, why do I get angry and irritated. Why don’t I feel compassion for her? She was not open to accept help.

There was something else, She seems in the state of self-seeking, She was uncomfortable that she might have to live with my parents. Also, She seems demanding in terms of how I look etc. Its not wrong, I have thought in the same way before. But this made me feel quiet at unease, her attitude.

If I am not committed, I will leave and if I am committed I will help her.

Do not make any more effort in the direction of the marriage. Be straight. Help her if she accept it. And in the end, She is the master of her life.
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14 Oct/20
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At some point there was a switch in the sensation. Sleepy, and the head heavy. It continue as head heavy and the things I was learning those things were not being fully integrated or high quality. The voice does it’s negative spin. But it is more important that the movement of sensation was there, Kind of heaviness and lethargy. I need stimulant. energy. There was a clarity that I will continue doing what matters and these states are going to change anyway.

I was trying to improve the meta thinking about career and it was challenging. It is almost looking at unknown and trying to get some sense and direction. It is not hard but it has invert effect of succeeding with something small. This is incredibly important skillset. This capablility of staying in unknown and coming up with different ideas and choosing the refining it. If I continue to stay, the idea starts to flow. You start to realise the pain point and possible solutions and my preferences. And there is just hustle in no matter what you do. This is the process of enquiry in practice. Practice it more.

Then there was this habit and urge to run through the course and I stop and reinforce the habit of doing it slow and properly. Enjoying it. Then there was this Zara shipment failed. Egostical behaviour from Delivery agent. Which is expected. My cheap response. In long run I don’t want to be cheap and fight for 100-200 rs.
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15 Oct
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When I am not firm than lethargy gets activated. The practice of enquiry was good and fun. I was enquiring how can I bring the value and then I come to the idea of AI yoga. This is a practice I will continue. There was a click bait. I rotate around gmail. Linkin, and YouTube. The progress slowed down. And then these clicks happened. And sometimes I just have these ideas that after certain amount of time, I should take rest and then these clicks happen. They are not especially harmful but more delusional. And later my head Strats to become heavy. I can easily change the content I look when this happens, look for compassion video. Or just enjoy the self.

There are these pleasure mind goes naturally towards, and tried to avoid pain of the current Job. These are pleasures of food, videos, what others are doing. Checking emails etc. why mind finds them pleasurable? Movement of heart. And I get to be out of the pain of working out.

Another thing is the sensations that are coming from acceptance and keep checking the views. These are all addictive and then there is desire for more. And then heaviness. Then slowly it creeps in as a source of cause and then next video you can not do it properly. If I do it there is a desire for more, If I don’t It hangs. How can I renounce it. They will just fall away as you go more and more deeper. And find joy in the self. And the understanding that there is nothing there.
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16Oct
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I could have woke up at 4:00 but woke up at 5:00 why? Because No urgency. Then I inquired about Marriage and relationship with Lin. And the process and attachment to clicks and all. Both had immediate change in actions. I am not clicking here and there today. And With Lin the communication strategy changed. With this my influence are constantly changing.

I tried to use my intelligence further for inquiry in Relationship and the exercises about Udacity course meterial and Relationship. It is like learning to drive a vehicle which is trying to run away in the direction of doop pleasures. I am sitting in cafe which is not really harmful habit. Balance thinking and doing.

There was this tendency to click here and there and it keeps increasing, in the after noon, I got the message that I have call with sail on Monday. And I took break went to the Starbucks and did the week off. It is almost like as if it just want to take the break one way or other. Any kind of thinking that after this I will do the Job is just stupid, it just wants to take the break. Be careful with it. There was tendency to keep looking at my own videos. This direction is not good.

Then I did this with Lin, She was being nice to me, and I was putting her down, Again I am playing these games now.

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