#2 the ego

2 The addiction of attention. #

There are many thoughts coming and going. Is it different than other. It feels good. It feels good to be admired by other, it feels good to have others attention, it feels so good that I stolen, cheated and lied for it.

The need is not new, it is from very beginning. I stole money and buy myself some trophy when I was little, so I could be admired from my parents, a guy stole my pen for the same reason. I cheated in exams, answer the same question twice I didn’t care about numbers. I wanted be admired by my peers and teacher. That attention had a lot of value to me. And that attention wasn’t free. I had to earn it.

What were the kind of attention I was given, impress : the other person is impressed by me. that one felt really good. Oh that one was my favourite, I was ready to pay any price for that. It felt so good.

Not just I wanted that admiration but I wanted to avoid other side. Oh and the other side was in abundance, One wrong move and I have lost everything, I earned so far. How would I play all those good tapes in my head now.

I remember a time when I wrote a letter to one of my friend, who used to admire me, but than withdraw his attention after finding a girlfriend. I wrote him a letter of how I am withdrawing myself from him.

Now assume that everybody is looking for that admiration. Now to be admired you have to be on top especially in your eyes. If you want to do so, you will make every attempt to compare your strength with other’s weakness. Admiring other would be putting yourself down, redeculing other would be putting yourself up. It’s not that hard to see why admiration is rare, and redeculing is an abundance.

I didn’t knew, I was getting addicted to that. I wasn’t just playing around, No. I had a job now. I had to work, because I wanted that rare dose and that dose wasn’t free. I have lost my freedom at the penny’s price. Talk about authenticity.

But from where this need came, is it built in ? I believe when I was very small, I wasn’t impressing nobody. There are other people, who aren’t impressing anybody. Somehow I learnt it.

How this need came into picture and what is the nature of it. There would be time when you care about it a lot and there would be time when you don’t give a fuck. What is the difference. Does it have to do with love came with the price and the misinterpretation of love.