7 principle of effective friendship.

1. Enhance your love map -
Emotionally intellegent couple are intimately familiar with each other’s world. Relevant info about your partners Iife. They know goals, hopes, worries.

If you don’t start off with deep knowledge about each other. It’s easy to loose lose the way when your life shift so suddenly. They catch up with each other’s day atleast once go for dinner in a week.

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration -
They each retain some fundamental sense that other was worthy of being respected, honered and like. When in trouble you can’t elecit much praise in the present moment but from the past you can detect the ember of positive feeling. She giggled when reminded the note in the purse. It is a powerful buffer in hard times. And it is anecdote to contempt.

3. Turn towards each other instead away - in these brief exchange husband and wife are connecting. They are turning towards each other. It is kept alive when you let your partner know she is valued during grind of everyday life. People periodically makes the bid for their partners attention, affection, humor, support. People either turn toward or away. Will they talk when reading news paper. A romantic night out only turn up the heat when pilot light was kept burning. You come away as your partner is on your side.

4. Let your partner influence you - he respect and honors her wife feeling and opinions and taked them into account. He understand to thrive his marraige he has to share the driver seat. The four horseman is telltell sign that one partner is resisting the influence. Unemotionally intellegent husband seems like innocent victim. Accepting influence doesn’t mean you do what other person want. You acknowledge it first.

Two kind of maratiral conflict - majority of conflict falls into prepatual, after four years they are still fighting on precisely the same problem. One want more sex other less, baby no baby.. dispite their difference couple remain satisfied with their marraige. They haven’t solve the problem but learn to live with it with humor. In unstable marraige prepatual problems will kill the marraige.

solvable problem, just because the problem is solvable doesn’t mean it will get solved. Start with soft startup, learn effective use of repair, warning sign of flooding, learn how to compromise, become more tolerant to each other imperfection. Solvable problem seems less painful, or intense than prepatual. Solvable problem can evolve into the symbolic ones or prepatual and gridlock.

The basic overall advice to solve a problem start with accept other person. You must make her feel that you are understanding. And you are dealing with 2 subjective reality.

5. Solve the solvable problem - soften your startup, there is dramatic difference in how wife brings it up. Most important quality is the absence of four horseman. Since they come up with plan to solve the problem. They left with positive feeling. It doesn’t have to be diplomatic but must be devoid with criticism and contempt. “discussions invariably end on the same note they begin with.” Usually wife bring the harsh issue. A harsh startup is usually sign that low level that you don’t respond to low level complain. Complain but don’t blame. It is confrontational but not attack. Describe what is happening, be clear, be polite, appreciative, don’t store things up.

Make and receive repair attempt. In happy marriage the couple send and receive repair attempt with ease. Even if someone yells you are getting out of topic, still it is a repair attempt. Make it obviously formal in order to emphasize it.

Sooth yourself and each other. Compromise. It just doesn’t work to get things all your way. You can’t have a closed mind for your spouse desires and opinions. You can build important circle and compromising circle.

Be Tolereant to each other’s fault. Until you accept your partners flaws you won’t be able to compromise.

coping with typical solvable problem - work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, a new baby these are typical marital area of conflict. A marriage is faced with certain emotional task that husband and wife needs to accomplish together. If not than marriage doesn’t feel like port in the storm but another storm.

Stress and more stress. Instead of loving reunion it becomes shouting match.

Relation with in-laws. The real family tension is more frequent in mother-in-law and wife. The heat of it is two women’s fight for the men’s love.

Money, money could be symbolic for security or power. Money buys pleasure but it also buys security. One wants fashion clothes, other wants dinner with friends.

Sex. Often they try to vague out. Talk to each other in a way that makes both of you safe. The goal is to be more close, and has more fun, more satisfied, valued and accepted. It wil feel better if you feel safe to play your fantasy.

Housework.

Becoming parents. A baby sets off sesmic change in marriage, 70% women feels miserable. The successful ones depends wether husband moved into parenthood or left behind. For a women it causes metamorphism, selfless love and profound reorientation. A husband should feel like not just husband but father.

6. overcome gridlock - you want to have children he doesn’t. The challange is to move the gridlock to dialogue, the issue is prepatual but you will be able to talk about it without hurting each other you will learn to live with it. The deep hidden dream not being respected by spouse cause the problem. To help other person to realise their dream you need to know thier dream. Just listen what religion means to them, her father divorce and how religion helped.

You can listen other person’s dream, mountain climbing, support financially, go all the way. Some you will be able to go all the way, some you won’t be able to pass the first stage.

The goal is not to solve the problem but declaw it. So it stop hurting you.

7. Create shared meaning - It can have a spritual dimension. To cultivate a rich micro culture together. What it means to be the part of family you have become. Like big culture these units have their culture, Sunday dine out. One time sex a week. And myths. What a great team they make and how feisty they are in the presence of naysayer.

A cricital goal of the marriage is to create atmosphere that encourage each other to talk about his or her conviction. The story of loyalties and generosity then creating the culture out of it.

Rituals, some rituals thanksgiving are important to the home.

Roles, your marraige will feel deeper to the degree, your expectation of role, husband, wife matches.

Personal goals, the extent to which you work together to achieve goals.

Shared symbol, family stories, Jesus icon…