CA #02. Work on me first.
We can’t go determined to fix everyone else. Asking others to be accountable for their actions lives and die on the words people choose and the way people dilever them. Those words and perticularly the way they are dilvererd lives and die in what people think before they open their mouth. They make sure they are conversing about the right problem. And their facts, stories and emotions help them to see other person as human rather than villain.
CHOOSE WHAT AND IF
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How to know what conversation to hold and if you should choose to hold it.
CHOOSING WHAT :
When problems come in to complicated bundle and they often do it is not always easy to know which problem to address. For example as my father talk to me rudely I need to know which problem I want to discuss. That he is forcing me, being weak, making insane kind of dreams.
SIGN that You are dealing with wrong kind of problem.
If the solution you are applying doesn’t get you the result that you really want it’s likely you are dealing with wrong problem.
YOU ARE CONSTANTLY discuss the same problem. Owner has courage to talk about accountability problem that’s the good start but he return to the same problem each time puts him below the top. That means there must be some other infraction that needs to be discussed, she isn’t living up to her commitment.
When people repeatedly violate an expectation those are the best at identifying and then confronting the deviation redefine each instance with new infraction. The first time person is late she is late, second time it is failed to live up to the promise. Third time discipline.
YOU ARE GETTING INCREASINGLY UPSET.
The behaviour of not returning one rupee, catches your attention but is the real issue. If you are angry enough to tell your wife, coworker, best friend about it how would you describe!
That guy give me no respect, its not the one rupee, but the fact that he doesn’t respond, he take 10rupee and act like he doesn’t give a shit to return it. He took money and didn’t even check the change, and start watching the videos. It is this not giving a fuck to return that bothers me, and feel disrespectful. “She is taking advantage of friendship”
CONFRONTING THE RIGHT ISSUE.
Infect most didn’t realise it is the lack of cooperation that they probably ought ot discuss. The ability to reduce an infraction to its bare essence takes the patience, sense of proposition, and precision. First you have to unbundle the problems. People are often in too much hurry and speed barely leads to careful thought. You have to decide what is bothering you most if you don’t you will end up going after the wrong target or too many target. And then you have to be concise you have to distill the issue in a single line. If you can not reduce the voilation to single sentence issue almost never become more understandable and focused as conversation unfold.
As your emotions are getting worse not better in retroasptive you are choosing to talk what is easy, convienent or obvious not what is important.
THINK CPR.
First time infraction talk about content, next time talk about pattern, you agreed you wouldn’t say it again. Pattern acknowledge that problem has histories and that history make difference. A warning it is easy to miss the pattern and get sucked into debating content. If you are giving the explanation you missed the point. As the problem continue talk about relationship. It is that string of dispointment has caused you to loose trust in them, you are beginning to doubt their competency and promises. And this affecting the way you treat each other.
If your real concern is relationship and you only talk about the pattern you will likely to find yourself feeling dissatisfied.
To understand various content, pattern and relationship issue that comes up, there are two factor consequences and intentions.
UNBUNDLING :
CONsequencs. accountablity issues almost never contained in the behaviour of the offender they are much more likely to be the function of what happens afterword. The problem lies in the consequencs. What are consequences to me?, to our relationship?, to the task?, to other stakeholder? Analyzing consequences help you to decide what is the most important to discuss.
INTENTION.
He cheerfully promised to format a report that you created and then instead of giving you he gave directly to the boss. What was he thinking? You believed his intention was selfish! You have examined the intention and weighted the particulars you come to conclusion that persons intetion was indeed bad, now when this happens behaviour isn’t the problem, you have to talk about intention.
It was her perceived intention that was bother him. She is doing on purpose to give me grief. The conclusion two have drawn about each other underlying intent is bothering them, and these are the issue they have to talk about eventually.
PRIORITIZING.
ASK WHAT YOU DO AND DON’T WANT.
The best way to choose from the host of the possible infraction is to ask what you you want for yourself, for others, for the relationship. You need to think all three.
think cpr, expand the list by consequences and intent and then choose based on what you wan for yourself, her, relationship.
DECIDE IF.
You have unbundled the voilation picked up the issue, reduced to sentence, mere fact of it doesn’t mean you should discuss it. Maybe you should expand your zone of acceptance. Today she insulted you maybe you should shrink your zone of acceptance.
WHEN IT IS CLEARLY A BROKEN PROMISE. Where there was clear matrix and it clearly shows a difference between what was expected and what was delivered. These failed promise present clear opportunity to hold someone accountable, you promised we will go out. These are routine and easy to discuss.
WHEN IT IS UNCLEAR AND IFFY. You are not sure if the infraction is the problem and if bringing it up might lead to a raging battle, harm relationship, a lost job. How do you know if you are speaking up when you shouldn’t and how do you know if you shouldn’t
NOT SPEAKING UP WHEN YOU SHOULD. Sometime we speak when we shouldn’t but the predominant issue is going into silence when predominant issue is there.
Am I acting out of my concern : if you don’t talk it out you will act it out. He was keep turning a harmless line into attack. You can’t hide your emotions and other people can tell a difference b/w real smile and fake one. They also escape in the form of sarcasm cutting humor etc.
Why do we ever set aside pressing problem hoping they will somehow get better. It’s like putting a rotten cottage from fridge to table and hoping it will get better.
IS MY CONSCIENCE NAGGING ME.
When you have gone to silence and your consciences is nagging you you probably ought to speak.
AM I CHOOSING THE CERTANITY OF SILENCE OVER THE RISK OF SPEAKING UP.