CC#03. Start with heart.

Our problem is not that our behaviour degenerates, its that our motives do. More often than not we do something that contribute to the problem we are experiencing. The irony is it is the most talented not the least who are continually trying to improve their dialogue.

Skilled people start with the heart, they begin high risk discussion with right motive, and they stay focused no matter what happens. They are steely eyed smart on what they want. And they do not make fools choice.

Someone just poured rather ugly tidbit in the pool of meaning. Is she walk the talk of honesty and opnennes or she is a raging Hippocrate. We often stop worring about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for the ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.

Winning. By the time of kindergarten the desire to win teacher attention and beat other stundent is built deep within. We start with resolving a problem but as soon as someone raise the red flag of inaccuracy or challange our coorctiveness, was switch purpose in heartbeat. First we correct the fact and than quibble over detail and point out the flaws in others argument. And it leads to even punishing.

Keeping the peace, sometime we choose the personal safety over dialogue. We are so uncomfortable with the immidiate consequences, that we accept the certainity of bad result, to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation.

Focus on what you really want, we need to talk about this, I am glad you asked this question. She even get the chance to acknowledge the biggest widespread belief of being the hypocrite. By changing the motive she was able to address the primary source of resistance. Are you starting to change your goal to save face, avoid embarrassment, win, be right, or punish other!! “When you name the game, you can stop playing it.”

Ask -

• what do I want fir myself?
• what do I want for other?
• what do I want for the relationship?

Despite the fact we are tempted to take the wrong path, it becomes our North Star. When we ask complex and abstract question, our body sends precious blood to the brain which helps us to think from the part that wants to fight or flight.

Refers the fool choice, hey don’t look at me as I am the only the guy that has guts to speak. As Adriana kicks we starts to see as if we have to choose between getting the result or keeping the relationship. We don’t consider the option of achieving the both.

When our brain is not working we resist the complexity and adore simplicity of fight or flight.

Search the elusive and, first clarify what you want and than what you don’t want. And than present the brain with more complex question by combining the two. How can I have a candid conversation with my husband about being more dependable without creating bad feeling or wasting our time. If you think it is not possible ask is there no one here who is already doing it!!

Start with heart, know what you want, avoid the fools mistake.