CC#04 - learn to look | how to notice when the safety is at risk.
An innocent discussion transformed into crucial conversation and then into the failed one. You always watch two elements, content of discussion and condition. The longer it takes that you are not in the dialogue the harder it is to get back and higher the cost.
Watch for the condition, brown trout, just out there, because he knows what to look for, in reality you need to look the distorted image of brown trout underwater into sun light. There are three elements to watch, the moment a conversation turns into crucial. Signs that people are not feeling safe, and your own style under pressure.
learn to spot a crucial conversation, some people first notice physical signals, other notice emotions they are feeling scared, hurt, angry. The emotions are good sign to take a step back and slow down. Some people cue behaviour raising the voice etc.
Learn to look for safety problem, gifted communicator constantly vigil for safety. Beside content they watch signs people are becoming fearful. When it is safe you can say anything. A dialogue call free flow of meaning and nothing kills the meaning like fear. People don’t become defensive because of what you are saying but because they no longer feel safe. The problem is we fail to make other people hearing the message. If you learn to see when people are feeling unsafe you can learn to take action to fix it. When you are feeling unsafe you can’t take any feedback. When unsafe you start to go blind.
When you are genuinely scared you can’t see beyond your nose. But by re-engaging your brain by giving it new problem to solve [ look for safety sign ] it affect the brain functioning. Ofcosue when others are feeling unsafe they start to act in annoying ways, they may try to insult and make fun of you, so instead of taking this as sign of safety at risk, you take it as sign of “i am under attack” we are asking you to recode volience and silence as the sign of people feeling unsafe. Look for safety and then be curious not angry or frithened.
Silence [ witholding from the pool ], its almost always done to avoid potential problems
- masking, selectively showing true opinion, understating. Sarcasm, sugarcoating etc.
- avoiding, involve steering completely away from sensitive topics, we talk but do not address sensitive topics.
- withdraw, completely pulling away from the conversation, either exit the conversation or room.
Volinece [ trying to force meaning in the pool ], name calling, monologues, making threat.
- controlling, either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation. Methods include cutting others, overstating your facts, speaking in abolsute, changing subject.
- labeling, putting a label on people or idea so we can dismiss them under general cataegories.
- attacking, belittling, threatening.
Look for your style under stress. What’s wrong, nothing is wrong and look wounded. Don’t be angry, I am not angry.
Learn to look content and condition. Look when things become more crucial. Learn to see safety at risk. Learn to see if others are moving towards silence or volience. Look for outbreak in your style.