CC#05. Make it safe.

How to make it safe to talk about Almost anything.

Step out make it safe then step back. Yovene exited because she focused on what Jotham was saying. She would have spotted the use of sarcasm as form of silence. Intead of adding to pool of concern, he took a potshot. Why? Because he is not feeling safe using dialogue.

The worse will totally ignore the need of safety and say whatever in their mind. Or conclude topic is completely unsafe and move to silence. The good understand the need of safety and try to solve it in wrong way, by watering down or dressing up the content. And the real problem never get fixed. The best plays no game. They don’t sugarcoat, pretend or fake. So they completely step out and come back.

Notice which condition is at risk.
MUTUAL PURPOSE, the entrance condition. In order for this person to deliver the delicate message you must have believed he cares about your goals and objective. You trusted his purpose. When you know other person has melcious intent how can you feel safe. Mutual purpose is entry level condition find a shared goal and you have good reason and healthy climate to talk. When other try to force their opinion because they believe we are trying to win. Or defensive, accusation.

• do other believe i care about their goal
• do they trust my motive

If you try to see other person point of view you can often find a way to draw other person willingly into a very sensitive conversation. The boss care about cost and productivity.

MUTUAL RESPECT, continuance condition. As people perceive other don’t respect them the conversation immediately become unsafe and dialogue comes to halt. It is like air, as long as it present nobody cares about but if you take it away, its all people think about. Interaction is no longer about the original purpose, it is about defending the dignity. Your mutual purpose suffer because of the lack of mutual respect. When people feel disrespected they become highly charged.

• do other believe I respect them!

Can you respect people you don’t respect, how can you respect people who are so poorly motivated and selfish? We can’t respect everything but we can stay in dialogue by honoring basic humanity. We can counteract negative feeling by looking at the ways we are similar. Without excusing others behaviour try to sympathize and empathize with them. When we realise we all have weakness easy to find way to respect others.

Each group didn’t just laid out what it wanted but virtually what every one wants. They seriously start to question how they judged other group they realise the petty political tactics are very similar to them self.

WHAT TO DO ONCE YOU STEP OUT, apologize, contrast, create mutual purpose. See their aggrasive behaviour for what it is, the sign of voilated safety.

APOLOGIZE WHEN APPROPRIATE. When you made mistake that hurts other, start with apology, it is an statement that sincerely express your sorrow for your role in causing or atleast not preventing pain to others.

You have to give up saving face, winning argument, being right in order to focus what you really want. You have to sacrifice bit of your ego. Like many sacrifice when you give somthing small you get more.

CONTRAST TO FIX MISUNDERSTANDING. You can start with innocently sharing your view but people believe your intention is to harm them. Clearly an apology is not appropirate. It would be unethical to admit When you are not wrong.

• address other concerns that you don’t respect them or you have malicious intent.
• confirm your respect or clarify your purpose. In contrasting don’t is more important because it deals with misunderstanding that has put safety at risk.

Contrast provide context and proportion. You talk with your assistance lack of punctuality and he appeared crushed. Don’t water down or take back what You have said instead put your remark in context.

I don’t want you to think I am not satisfied with your work, I think you do the great job but this punctuatlity issue is important. Use contrast before other goes volience or silence. When people misunderstood and you start arguing about misunderstanding. Stop. Use contrasting.

CREATE THE MUTUAL PURPOSE. Sometime we find ourself in the middle of debate because we have different purposes, there is no misunderstanding. contrast is not going to help. The worst will either push or let other have their way. Good will immediately move to compromise. You stay here I will go there.

CRIB, commit to seek mutual purpose. Start with by committing to stay in communication until we invent a purpose that serve both of us. Maybe there is a solution that serve both. We act on faith that our partner stuck in silence and volience because she feels unsafe. And if we build enough safety a dialogue can take place.

Recognize the purpose behind strategy. We think we will never find a way because we equate what we are asking for is what we want. Actually what we are asking for is a strategy we are suggesting to get what we want. Going out and staying home are incompatible, so we can never satisfy them? But ask why do you want that? Before you can agree on a mutual purpose, you must first know what people’s real purpose are.

Invent a mutual purpose. Once you identify the real purpose and you discover you have a comapatible goals. From there you can discover mutual purpose. But if you find your genuine want and goal can not be serverd without other’s expense. You will have to invent mutual purpose.

Brainstorm new strategy, if you are willing to jointly give creativity a chance. Sky is the limit.

When others are moving to silence or volience, step out and see which condition is at risk, mutual purposes or mutual respect. Apologize when you voilate respect. Contrast to fix misunderstanding. Create a mutual purpose.