CC#07 State My Path.

Share risky meaning, Talking when what we have to say can make other person defensive. Adding delicate, unattractive and controverital opinions in the pool of shared meaning. Worst alternate b/w bluntly dumping their ideas in the pool of meaning or saying nothing at all. The good say some of things in their mind but they understate thier view out of fear of hurting others. The best completely speak their mind, but do it in such a way that makes safe for other to slisten and respond, totally frank and completely respectful.

MANITAIN SAFTEY. Speaking the unspeakable and still mantaining the saftey, it can be done if you know how to mix three ingrident, confidence, humility and skill.

People who are skilled in dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. They are confident that their opinions derseve to be placed in the pool and can speak openly without brutalizing others.

Humility, they also realize other have valuable input. They are humble enough to realize they don’t have monopoly on the truth. They are willing to change their mind when with new information.

Skill, finally people who willingly share the delicate information are good at it, they speak the unspeakable and people are great for their honesty.

STATE MY PATH.
Despite your worse suspicion, you shouldn’t voilate respect, and should kill the safety by Threat and accusation. Think about the possible expanation long enough so you can temper your emotions, to get back in dialouge, even if you are right there will be plenty of times later for confrontation.

Tell the story, Ask for others path, Talk tentatively, Encourage testing. First 3 what and last 3 how. What

START WITH FACT, if you start with fact. Starting with our ugly story is most controversial, least influential and most insulting way you could begin. And then we think we can not share risky views without creating problems.

• facts are the least controvertial. Face gives the safe beginning, by thier very nature they are not controvertial. Conclusions are on other hand highly controvertial. They are hardly fact but more like insult. Eventually we may share the conclusion but we don’t want to begin there.
• fact are most presuasive, fact form the foundation of belief. We are not trying to persuade to win, but just want our meaning to be added in the shared pool. When we start with shocking stories, we are encouraging others to make villain stories, since we have given no facts to support our conclusion they make up reason. Take time to gather facts. Before crucial conversation.
• facts are the least insulting. If you start with your story, you may never actually get to the fact, you may easily insult or surprise others.
  • begin your path with facts. In order to talk about your story you need to lead others involved down your path of actions. And then when you tell your story as possible story not concrete facts.

earn the right to share story by starting with your facts, facts lay the groundwork for the delicate conversation

TELL YOUR STORY. Fact alsone are rarely worth mentioning. It is fact and conclusion that calls for face to face discussion. If you just mention the fact other person may not understsand the severity.

By thinking through the fact and leading with them, you much more likely to have confidence to add controvertial and vitally important meaning to the shared pool.

When we don’t have crucial conversation on time, we end up piling up all the unflattering stories. In fact you need to work on this villain story before you have any hope for healthy dialouge.

If the saftey is at risk, use contrast and rebuild it.

ASK FOR OTHERS PATH. We show express confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly and we demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their view and mean it. The goal is to keep expanding the pool of meaning rather than to be right. And we are willing to abandon or reshape our story as more information pours into the pool.

HOW, TALK TENTATIVELY. Describe both facts and stories in tentative ways. For example. I was wondering… we tell story as a story rather than desgusing it as hard fact.”perhaps you were unaware…”, “in my opinions…”
From everyone knows that. “I have talked to three or four supplier ”,Soften. It is clear to me to I am bigenning to wonder if.

Why soften, if we are too forceful the information will not make it to the pool. The more convienced and forceful you act. The more resistant other becomes. If you are faking tentativeness then you are not in communication. We indeed our uncertain that our understanding repersent truth. You should not pretend less confident than you are, likewise not pretend more confident that’s you capacity allows. Our stories are only educated guess.

Wimping out is another fool choice, they figure that only safe way to share touchy data as we its not important.

ENCOURGE TESTING. You must do it in such a way that it makes it clear that you want ot hear their opinions. Otherwise they won’t speak up and you can’t test the accuracy and relevance of your views.

• invite the opposing views. If they disagree so much is the better. If what they have to say is controvertial and touchy, so much is better. Does anyone say differently? What am I missing here?
• mean it. I know people are reluctant to speak about it, but I would really like to her about it.
• play davil advocate. Model disagreeing by disagreeing. Maybe I am wrong here, what If the opposite is true.
• do until your motive becomes obvious. Formerly bosses have invited gently to speak them up and then punish.

strong belief - when you know in your heart of the heart that you are right and other is wrong you start to push harder and force your opinions. Quite naturally other resist and you push even harder.

Is starts with a story. We believe we are right and every body is wrong there is no need to expand the pool of meaning. Because we own the pool. Other person don’t know and we on the other hand are modern hero’s crusading agnasit tunnel vision and naïveté.

We stack the deck, exaggerate, appeal to authority, generalize.

Back off your attack. And think what you want for yourself, others and relationship. Open yourself to the belief that other might have something to say or have a piece of puzzle. When others are moving in the forceful direction you are watching but when you do so it is the correct thing to do. Catch yourself before you launch in monologue.