CC#08. Explore others path.
How to listen when others blow up or clam up.
You will work though your differences until all the parties freely add to the pool of meaning. That means people who are blowing up and claiming up to participate as well. Although you can not force but you can make it safe. Somehow other person believe if he or she speak up bad things will happen.
EXPLORE OTHERS PATH. Finding a way to let other know if is ok to share their path of action. Their fact and nasty story and ugly feeling.
START WITH HEART. GET READY TO LISTEN. When you invite others you must mean it. When you ask other to open up be prepared to listen.
Be curious, instead of respond in kind, be curious what’s behind the rucks. What kind of sorry they build up. It calls for genuine curosity at the time you might be feeling frustrated and angry. Mostly, the patient is reluctant to share her true opinion. Because she thinks if she will, then she will end up insulting doctor or offend staff member, you need to let her know, it is safe to talk and open up.
To avoid overreacting to others stories stay curious. Why would a reasonable… it will keep you making negative stories, until you see under the circumstances the individual in question drew a fairly reasonable conclusion.
Be patient. When other opens up it is good bet that they will start to feel the effect of adrenaline effect and will probably take some time to settle down. In some cases, even after the thoughts have changed.
ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO RETRACE THIER PATH. We are joining conversation at the end of their path. See it as a mystery, every sentence has a history. When we join at the end we missed the foundation and we are confused. Not only we are joining in the end but we are joining at point where other person started to act offensively. Instead of asking what an inertersting story she must have told, we create our own hasty and ugly path to action. We return to the place where feeling can be resolved. At the source, facts.
INQUIRY SKILLS. When, the cue is when other is going silenence of volience. What, we need to invite the other person her path, and must do it sincerely. What, listen, we must listen in way that makes other to share their intimate thoughts, they must believe when they share their thoughts they won’t offend other or be punished.
ASK, MIRROR, PARAPHRASE, PRIME. The tool work for both silence and voilence.
Ask to get things rolling. When we show geniuine interest people feel less compelled to use silence or volience. Stop filling the pool with your meaning and step back and invite other person to share her meaning.
Mirror to confirm feeling, mirroring can help tp build more saftey, we take the portion of others path of action we have access to an make it dare for them to discuss it. We play the role of mirror to describe how they are acting and feeling, when our tone of voice says we are ok with them feeling the way they are feeling.
Paraphrase to acknowledge the story, you can build additional saftey by paraphrasing what you have heard. Put message in your words, don’t push too hard. We have asked, mirrored, paraphrased, person is still upset and isn’t explaining his or her story. Back-off after a while our attempt to make it safe start to feel like we are prying. If we push too hard we have voilated both purpose and respect. Either we gracefully exit or ask them what they want
Prime when you are getting nowhere. There are times when you may conclude that other may like to open up but still are not feeling safe. Or haven’t come down from adrenaline, priming, priming the pump. It is power listening. You have to offer your best guess what other person is feeling. Before you expect other to do the same. Are you thinking that only reason why we are doing is to make money.
BUT WHAT IF THEY ARE WRONG. We are trying to understand their point of view not agree or support it. There plenty of time to share our path as well for now we are merely trying to get at what others story is.
REMEMBER YOUR ABC. You have explored her story and some facts are wrong and story is fouled up.
Agree, a lot of time they are in volient agreement, they actually agree on every important point but they are still fighting. they have found to to turn the subtle difference in raging debate. Start with agreement, if you agree at some parts of the story start from there. Agree when you agree don’t turn an agreement in argument.
Build, even if it is a minor portion we jump into the disagreement like fleeing criminal. Being right is good, being right first is better, being right at others expense is best. We have a PhD to finding trivial issue and turning them into the big deal. If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete add element that were left out of the discussion.
Compare, finally you disagree, instead of suggesting he or she is wrong. Suggest that you differ. Do it tentatively but in candid form.