confused.

in rishikesh, yesterday it dawns on me, it’s been 4 months since I left namshi. what the hell I am doing. is it producing any result. am I moving forward. do I know where to go. or I am just running in circles. and not really getting anywhere. I am not feeling strong pull towards anything. I am more of pushing myself to do stuff ( know that you are writing it in the state of mild confused depression ). what you see is all there is.

sometime I get scared the pace with which life is passing, I will die soon. everything that I don’t have is causing me desperation for that thing.

I want to get into relationship. but than there is a part of me which pulls me back.

all the books I am reading is useless. unless go through that struggling period of practice and you know exactly how it feels.

this is the state I am talking about. the very thing I am doing right now is utter waste of limited time.