EFP #6

it doesn’t feel like a progress so let me reiterate the goal here. the point is not to be enlighten here and now. the point is to internalize these principles, and keep practicing in daily life until it becomes the second nature or first response to the problem. the point is to give it some momentum, turn it into the habit.

there is a clear struggle happening, I want to listen songs while working but I don’t, I want to abuse senses but I restrain. I want to gossip but there is a pause. I like to get lost in inner chatter but I make an attempt to be mindful. at least most of the time I make a sincere effort. it goes without saying sometime I lost control and feels directionless, sometimes craving wins.

but I think I also have some default parameter on which I judge my spiritual progress like how much mindful I am toady ( effortlessly ), how much easy it is to keep standing as compare to yesterday. how less afflictions are coming today, and than i feel like failure and hopeless. failing to understand the only control I have is input. so only logical way I can judge any progress is how well I put input as compare to yesterday. and I win the game once I learn to put input in the most challenging scenario. once the default input is inline with what I believe is right input.

just like this moment, every now and than I lost the sight itself. what exactly I am doing and why it matters. even though at one moment it felt like I got it. with times it just fades away. I haven’t really learnt yet, how could you really internalize something you believe.