EFP #8

feeling dense blurred and fractured vision, low confidence. comparing and judging myself with every one else. seeing the world through the eyes of problem. fear is gripping me all around. it feels like everything I would do will fail. nothing seems to make sense. everything else but me seems right. I just want to get out of all this and hide in a cave of solitude.

no samatha, no mindfulness, no meaning, no wisdom but down in the rabbit-hole of mental afflictions. is it suffering ?

from last few days, I can see I am being quite tight. looking the refuge in petty places like pride, affliction.

but why I am being hopeless here. I have ton of things to be grateful for. why I am wasting time in comparison when I can live this small time I have here on earth. why I am choosing to be pathetic when I can choose to be happy. is there some sort of pleasure in it. why I am consciously entertaining these weeds ?

I don’t want to run away. stand, face, observe what are these things that are ruining the perfectly wonderful day. this is exactly what I have to overcome.