engage.

this is the most disturbing energy in me. this is something I want to do subconsciously, this is something I am not good at naturally. this is something when I saw other doing, I feel a tease in my heart. this is something which has to be overcome. this is my first world problem I guess. on the surface I want to be smooth, sleek and likable but not at the cost of being impostor. what I really want I guess is acceptance and admiration. which is a actually a happy feeling generator or atleast subconsciously i think so. isn’t it what generally understood as success, acceptance and admiration. and than I want to feel confident in my skin.

lets top this dish up with fear of trying new things out for the first time. there is no doubt the very obvious response in terms terms of feeling is conflict and pain. unease and not knowing, because too much importance has been given to the feeling. unknowingly the goal has become the impossibility of finding constant pleasure stream.

it turn me off and wants me to run away. when I see peoples are doing something with alternative motives. like attending a book reading meetup to find a girlfriend. as the very matter of fact I might be doing the same thing. another conflict between morality and desire.