can I be still.

the problem is mind is not fooling around but I am. these days I pretty much always have choice on almost every action I take. it might be true in some cases there is a strong pull of emotion. but I always take a conscious decision to entertain stupidity of mind. and in the process I keep feeding it. and mind knows how to sabotage, and it knows it really well. and it always feels like scratching my heart.

am I under-skilled to tackle mind! I don’t think so. at the very least I stand a chance. the problem is commitment.

every-time I consciously choose mind over me. I feel my self esteem is shattering. I feel like a hypocrite and the pain is 100 fold sharper than any pleasure I get out of it.

I have seen the ways of mind and there is no doubt in my heart, if I allow it will lead me to a broken life. full of regret, sorrow and despair. and the problem is consciously entertaining it in even a small way is actually feeding it.

than there is a possibility of another life. the life people like sandeepmaheshwari and jonathanfields are living. a life full of heart.

the thing is choosing means leaving something out. you can’t choose one thing while keeping other thing. it doesn’t work that way. it means you haven’t chosen anything.

and choice is simple heart or mind. there is no in between. in between means blatant suffering.

so here I am not just committed but officially married to heart. I would go to any extent to make sure I have fought with every ounce of blood, let me see how much tricks mind can pull. how much miserable it can make me. I wanna see what’s on the other side.

let me see how it feels to be still, even in the middle of emotional hurricane.