How do I know matters to me.

meditation retreat and acting class what was the difference, in one instance I had a desire, a desire to understand, desire for making sense of what am I doing. On the other case I had hazy desire, the stronger one to desantize my expression anxiety In a social setting. The other one to put the light on something I don’t know.

The first desire was strong, one thing is, it was actually solving and giving me answer for what I was looking for. there is a desire to know how to live. I stayed 10 days, than a week, than another week, 2 months passed. I can’t get enough of it. On the other case Only thing that is holding up was “ it is a month long” I wasn’t really into it. I didn’t really care, although in a first case I cared a lot.

So there are desires a cared a lot, and there are ones I couldn’t care less. What is the difference and what are these desires anyway. From where these desires are being generated.

My body needs food to survive. when it is hungry, It knows how to generate a desire. Maybe they are some electrical signals. somewhere in between my mind interpreted these signals and generate suggestions on how to feed it. Interestingly it has it’s own criteria of what body needs. When suggestion supposed to be soup, it tells me it wants pizza. Mind can totally distort real desire and conditioning seems to have high weight on it. Mind also has some degree of control on when to fulfil the desire, but as time passes desire start to get intense. But once I have fulfilled the need there is no more desire, even eating pizza with gold on top of it has no value if I am not hungry.

So need is the causes, and desire simply is a means to fulfil it. without need how could there be a desire. and what is this need I have which is making me do meditation retreat and attending acting class, and can it be that whatever this need is giving me signal of fulfilment by telling my engagement level. If I am feeding it right shouldn’t it start fulfilling or my mind is misinterpreting the need. could it be the need of my soul.

Is sexual desire is another need from where desires are springs, how does my body tells my mind. Once I went for a month without touching my libido, my mind was desperate with sexual urges. Can I release these urges without a partner ?

There is a difference between the desire of hunger and desire of sex, one is led by sensation that are painful, other seems to me the lure of pleasure although if cross the threshold that pleasure lure turns into desperation pain.

Now There is a desire of peace, that sometimes leads me into the path of sexual desire, not to satisfy any urges but to take my attention from that chaotic mental state to somewhere else.

Desires seems to have the priority levels, desire of hunger is stronger than desire of horniness.

Is it possible that desire of acting class was fundamentally led by desire of sex ?