low !!

I am experiencing insanly low self will. directionless, planless, helplessly watching youtube video. I am also physically sick today. I am not able to focus on situation, I am not analysing. it is too hard to do that.

how did I get here, is it because of that goa trip, or is it the default I had to hit anyway. my estimations from self are rather ambitious.

I am feeling a bit unfit to take on any challange. situation is not going to change. you can take your time and go deeper in the rabit hole. and get more frustated. but nothing will change you will standing right here, on square one.

maybe after some time tide will be high and you will feel more motivated. and things will become a little easy but the field will be the same.

there isn’t any thing you can latch on. passive enagagement with knowledge isn’t going to help either.

a life like this can not be lived based on feeling. you will have to have a soild attitude, and active enagegment to live everyday. a life like this can only be lived on day to day basis with constant and active contemplation.

you have to change fundamentally, and this isn’t an easy change. you will have to install this habit to live on day to day basis. win small battels everyday and ruthlessly cultivate yourself. ruthelessly.

after some time may be couple of months and you will cultivate a strong field.

If you can not control yourself, what’s the point. what’s the point of making plan and thinking blah blah blah. If you don’t have the power to implement it. become the person who decide something in the morning and complete that shit in the evening. not crying out mood is not good and this and that. execues. become the person who can handle some mental pain.

and I know changing your self so fundamentally is hard. but there is no other options. oh yaa there is, let the mind run the show and live dissatisfactory life.