mental gratification

there is a war happening inside between me and my mind, and the greyest area is mental gratification. the thing is I like pleasure and this is how my mind gets an edge over me.

these days I frequently switch between two modes of reality, one where I see a hindi song ( and you know how they are these days ) and I am watching a person in front of me, moving her body, pretending and trying to paint a new image in my mind, trying to tap into attachment zone. and even sometimes I feel a bit of compassion while thinking why are you doing this!, and the answer is for fame and money. but there is no reality, actor is not enjoying what she is doing but image says it is so enjoyable. there is absolutely no meaning or reality and i can see it very clearly. sometime I can see stuff for what they are. sometime I win. and I like being in this state.

but some other times, it feels pleasurable to chase an image in my mind. in those times I just buy it and just want to get that mental stimulation. and than feel overpowered by mind. but a lot of time I just give up too easy, mainly because I don’t have any preference about wether it is good or bad. It’s like I gave up after 5 pushups, even though I could go upto 40. a common time when I crave for mental stimulation seems to be when I am board or in the mood of celebration.

so what does it do to me!, and what if I leave it all together or totally indulge in it. few things that I think I understand about it. it is mentally pleasurable ( like some sort of chemical that feels good ), it is a very short term thing, it does not contribute towards satisfaction or meaning even at some level it does contribute to dissatisfaction. I really need to look more closely to it, and should gather more data.

i think the question is why attachments feel enjoyable ? and lets take it to the lab.

there is another kind of enjoyment that I feel mildly some times these days, and it’s called peace and I like to explore this in a detail as well.