On Lin.

What is the problem?
There are these dual thoughts about her. A part of me wants her, another afraid. The part that is afraid is afraid of unreasonable things. It is afraid of letting go of other options, competition, and loosing, I made a poor choice while I could make a better one. She is not healthy, etc.

My. initial understanding of relationship was that it should make me happy, It can not, It is different, and deeper. It is more about the journey together. Sharing and supporting and taking.

Are you capable of leaving her?
Yes and No.

Why No?
I feel good talking to her. I will feel hurt. It is nice to have her as an option, I can take decision later. Most likely she will not find someone, and I don’t like seeing myself as someone who was at some level responsible for that.

Why Yes?
I don’t even remember Namrata, once I was talking to her all the time for years. So things do pass away. I am not very strongly attached, As I live here on my own, I hardly remember her. So me getting over her is not a big issue, as far as, I am responsible is not completely true, She is responsible for her life, and I haven’t done anything against her will. Infect this might be a great experience for her in terms of her naive beliefs about relationships.

She will find someone there is plenty of people out there. and she is a very good person.

What can go wrong in the future?
I get married, and she get ill, We could not make it work together, there are constant fights, We end up getting divorced.

Are you ok with that?
This is all unpredictable, you might get accident, and get ill. And as long as I see relationship as something that I use to fulfill my desires, it will be an issue.

Do you want child or not?
I don’t know. I have seen brother and not I have a desire. I don’t like desires being created like this.

Why child?
Becuase everyone else is having one? because you will miss out on something important in life?

Think and write, do you wanna have a child?
Do you want to take on the responsibility to raising a kid? If purpose of your life is meditation and liberation, this is not really helpful to entangle yourself in all this.