deal-breaker.

so we had a meeting today. alex gave a nice presentation. and than there was a questions round. while the presentation was going on I had a question or suggestion sort of thing in my mind. but when question session begin I couldn’t speak my mind. there was very well known physiological feeling of fear, every time I wanted to speak and it was very real.

what just happened, i wanna understand this experience in detail because it is a real deal breaker. and one way or another I am fighting it from very long time.

are you feeling it now ? no, but I think I am in state where I can get infected faster. mainly because I don’t want to feel that. ya but I am much more sane to continue or even reset it now. I can drop it here.

can you live with it if it keeps happening for rest of your life occasionally ? yes indeed I can live with it. but may be tomorrow I would feel a bit lesser of me when I met these people. maybe I would feel a very mild dose of fear across them. why ? because I care what they think about me. but why do I care ? I want them to like me but this will make them dislike me. but why I want them to like me ? because I think, I am what they think of me ( it is also a reflexive thing ). but why I need their approval ? there is a difference between what I understand consciously and what I know subconsciously . is it possible to drop this ? yes indeed I don’t particularly feel unease so I think it is very much possible to do it now. so I can actually live with it ? yes.

so what exactly happened in the moment or hours ? I think it was fairly clear that I felt a strong, unwanted sort of physiological feeling. it was pretty clear that If I speak, there are very good chances that I will stutter. I might even not be able to form sentence properly. and this uneasy feeling will rise. the dictator was this physiological feeling. I kind of lost my intellectual mind there. as time was passing it was getting worse. this controls me.

                  m