somethings I learnt.

an year I travel, fundamentally searching for clarity in my life. searching for those core values on which I could base and build my life, did I find it? am I in the place where I am focused on only one thing and nothing else mattered? the answer in NO. but I guess I understood the place from where these questions were coming. maybe I learnt the right questions.

going back an year. I was dissatisfied. and every inch of my action was proving it. I did not understand why I was angry biter and clueless all the time. why I was beating myself up for that thing, I should have said right. why I was so envious and completing all the time. why I was so judgemental and hungry for people’s attentions. why all the time, all I want from other people is to make me happy. why I could not choose to leave anything. and what’s with that constant presentation in my mind.

did you see the pattern ?

it was latent, but I believed constant pleasure is equal to satisfied life. and if I am better than other people ( in everything ) at-least in my direct circle. I would feel accomplished. let me correct. my ego will feel accomplished. which is nothing but the false projection of self created by mind.

let me even clarify more, the whole purpose of my life was to get mental gratification. that’s it. everything was coming from there.

that’s the reason it is so liberating to know I am not my mind. and suddenly everything changes. instead of identifying with mind and pleasing it, curiosity shifted to learn more about it.

I don’t feel very much excited to achieve anything. I care less about pleasure and pain. and feel more gravitation towards understanding myself. and mastering myself. as I practiced meditation for almost an year. somethings start to change in me organically, I was able to leave certain addictive behaviours naturally. I feel more love and compassion on average. I was handling emotional situation much better. very naturally I start to learn to put myself last. my ego starts to dissolve slowly. I love where it is taking me.

I was surprised by the ideas I have believed in before like passion and love. they have no roots or definition. atleast the way I understand the promise was if you find these things you will live in a state of mind which is constantly gratifying. doesn’t make much sense. the expression is different than craft. and this idea that if you find the right craft the day to day expression will be almost always give you mental gratification, is anything but real. the only pleasure you can get from expression is the state of flow, which fallows different and simple dynamics.