Refuge in future !

there is this idea that is circling in my mind. in future some time I will take a year long retreat and solve this mind of mine, and than everything will be rosy. and I will be liberated, I will be fearless, everything would be crystal clear. until than it is just the preparatory life, not the real stuff.

ok I exaggerated a bit. but subconsciously I have same kind of expectation. where I conveniently miss the detail about challenging part. may be I would do something like this in coming years, but overlooking now is the most unskillful thinking. and this is clearly unacceptable.

than there is this corrupted idea of liberation in my mind. which means I would have no more fear. no more confusion. and I will always make the right choice. i will always feel good. bad feelings will not even arrive. i will no more feel uncomfortable in social situations and this will make me happy. and to achieve this I need to go for a long term retreat ! to achieve ! . neither this is skillful thinking nor it can be achieved ! it is pretty much like some people wants to earn a lot of money but in spiritual context. money can not be earned directly it is a byproduct of your work. and people who wants to earn directly will do evil deeds and suffer. a subtle game of life !

I don’t need to go for long term retreats, what needs to be master can be mastered right here, right now. from within the real game and challenge. how delusionaly easy it is to think you are making a progress. while you are playing all alone without challenges. even though I can understand nature of practice is internal and great deal of progress can be made. but same time constant stream of challenge can also be great resource of practice.

and may be I would and may be I would not attempt to do it in future. but thinking about it is not going to make any difference. it can only hinder any progress I am making here. and one thing is for sure I am not going to do it this year. so can I let go of it. park it put it in the shelf. and I will come back to this at the end of this year.