Sexual Fantasies.
THE PROCESS:
the process - there is an impulse around the chest and pubes even in the whole body or a voice. If I engage in it it turns on the velocity. And feels more megnatic. The intellect is totally hijecked and will say anything to get me do that. If I do not engage there is unpleasant sansation and there is a time delay, it could also be days. Once the cycle is over thought quickly change into the self pity.
And certain point I just loose control, impulsive reaction in the bed with partner and being alone at bother house and Bangalore.
cycle and frequency - It can not be satisfied, I have already did for around 10 years. The frequency only grows. Also what I desire increases.
outgrowth of disease - It was small impulse when I was small maybe 12 years old and feeded for years and now it is bringing fruits. This fruits were quiet visible in vipassana. It comes in the form of megnatic impulses I trimmed out quiet a lot of it in Vipassana and by starving it from last 2 yeras. With the right condition vassana comes.
THE EFFECT:
self disgust: all the reasoning is hijecked and then all the reasoning turned into self disrespect and self pity. I will hide this even from an animal, even in the svbtle I will keep it in the drafts, It has a very strong negative value judgement. So poor self worth and self esteem is very obvious.
uncenterd mind: when the conditions are right vasana will arrive. The presence of a girl nearby triggers it, the click of the heels triggers it, mind looses it balance. The same magnatic sensation arises. If the frequency is high everything will trigger it. Actually I can not think clearly in that state. I automatically search for these. this becomes an obstacle for other pursuits like self realization because it pulls the attention
trying to realise: when I am in relationship I try to fit other person into it, there is no presence of me, either I am searching or creating that behaviour that matches the image, in a way I start to control other person. The bedrock of a bad relationship. I start to give subtle cues to lin to wear heels, play my fantasies, seeing specific kind of images, same infinite and dissatisfying cycle.
time waster: even beside negative effect, it fills the time in an empty manner, Life is too short and challenges are huge. What if Instead of running these fantasies I was actually learning and exploring the real relationship.
counterproductive : in the daynamics of relationship, it is opposite of what man suppose to be, a girl wants a man who is centered, lead, decisive, strong. The very fantasy is weak and wimp or, uncaring and cold.
This kind of behaviour actually generate disgust and disrespect in others.
being taken advantage : anybody can flash an image or a sound and can make me uncentered and trigger the process, also if you engage in these kind of behvaiour in the presence of many girls you would just feel out of center. Because they are triggering this. A person like namarata can fully exploit it.
THE CURE:
opportunity : in the meta level it is mental training, every craving has same structure and this is just the prefect object to train yourself. If you can master it, at one hand you have mastered the craving on other hand has seriously strengthen your mind.
vipassana : since the tree has become big, it will bring the fruits, in the form of thoughts and sensation. With right conditions it will come, observe them, let them come and go, there would be unplesent sensation watch them too.
stop feeding it : the very least you can stop feeding it by yourself. If I watch the videos like these, it will water that sick tree. If I intentionally think of it, it is the same. Than there are people who will show you and yes it might trigger, see and observe it.
self reminder : create the audio recording and fill the rest of the intellect. So you would have clear understanding at the moment.
the taste of the better trees : taste the fruits of the better trees like compassion and self realization and as you start to feel satisfied you would leave them yourself.