spiritual sunday #21

this was kind of the week where I somewhat felt like I used to felt before last year. confused and unease, clinging to other peoples acceptance. the dominating feeling was to run away, just run away. do something else. another dominating thought was, is that what it is. just keep running, keep yourself engage with goals and stuffs. because default is scary. the commitment was poor, didn’t really understood why I am doing it all. I was just passing along with days. a part of me desperately wants to create goals. so I can get out of it and a part of me feels why I am wasting time on not doing anything fruitful. weekends become hard, no clear goal, makes it even hard to wake up let alone fighting.

spirituality - it was a challenging week, I was scattered, hopelessly looking for refuge in pride and acceptance. not motivated. it was not a good feeling and that feeling owned me. I didn’t want to feel bad. I was getting angry, trying to get rid of it. I couldn’t watch myself much. the presentations in my mind were getting worse. worrying about future. lost in mindless gibberish of mind. fear was bubbling up orchestrating my action. palm was on my face. this is too vague I need something more narrow.

work - work was okies. I don’t particularly hate or love it. I can’t recall exactly what I was doing, but I think I was less vague and more restrain. I was also doing sql stuffs which was kind of fun.

health - 4-5days of t25, 1 day of qlong. and I am back to tai chi. I was eating ok ( man, I can’t really recall what I was doing this week, is it because it is saturday. )

family - all good, infect pretty good.