spiritual sunday #26

this week could be described as lost in the dessert. almost no exercise, waking up late, somehow making through day. eating whatever. almost no reading. counting days till weekend. afflicted, self loathing. hiding. meaningless life. living in waiting for the next big event. it’s like I don’t want to play but it’s not optional.

spirituality - this was not a great week in practice of spirituality, I felt quite dissatisfied with life that, I couldn’t see the value of practice. start focusing more and more on what is missing in my life and internal dissatisfaction is being projected as the result of these missing points. wedding seems like another scar. people constantly reminding me of the bounties of samsara. and I felt being judged and humiliated. it feels just opposite of praise. yet I maintain some level of awareness. may be not razor sharp, but I know what I am going through. it is like mind want to cling so bad, but the surface is kind of oily, so initially it hold with tight grip, but than it slips. looking at everyone else I start to have a doubt if I am doing the right thing.

work - it is killing me, to do something without any meaning. work had no clear goal. it was too easy. it has no meaning. I felt like I am wasting my time. more often I am looking at watch. it is opposite to flow. this is how it feels to work for money. you have to compromise with your soul. the people I hang out in the office has very different value system. some has value rooted in security and fear, other are in engagement and pleasure. none of them look at life’s other part. none of them has ever question how is it making me happy. I can’t seems to be able to connect with people in meaningful deeper sense. I want to get out of this place.

health - eating a lot of mac-d breakfast. because it is easy to do so. waking up late. exercised twice in the whole week. It felt like why even bother.

family - my parents seems quite happy with their finances.