suffering

The time I am writing this, I am feeling like something inside me is tearing me apart. the meaning less ness is killing me. I am unable to decide anything. it is like I don’t want to go outside and I don’t want to live inside. and there is no particular event that is triggering it. feeling very under-confident. kind of not even hating but despising people around me. my heart is like contracting, sort of nausea like experience but in my chest.
just barley getting by.

I know very well, I have a choice here, whether to feel miserable or look at it. and be free of it. but for some perverted reason I am choosing to be like this. it’s like I have a choice but I don’t.

my inability of expressing my heart, and this constant game of peoples judgements is torturing me. the superficiality, greed, values and games of the peoples are tormenting me.

and no wonder entertaining desires becomes necessary distraction when emotional turmoil sinks you down.

is it the suffering buddha was pointing towards !