The need, pain points and illusions.
The lonely evenings - there were evenings when I felt lonely and alone, bangalore evenings, vidhyasram, treks, Rakkars house. Not all the time though. Working in Dubai. Vipassana retreat. There are times I feel kind of done with the day. And then there is a sense that I can not work anymore and the first idea that pops is it would be nice to have some conversation. then there were nights in Mumbai where I was with people all the time And I wanted to be alone. When I was in Jagga i didn’t want to communicate all the time. When I am staying with Akhil. Sohail it is becomes kind of irritating. And then there are times like Sweden girl. I enjoyed.
The meaninglessness - sometime whatever I am doing seems like meanginesless and driveless when I am in isolation. Like dharmakot and bangalore. Dry.
When I am down - when I am in the thunder of emotional down time, the first thing that comes to my mind is the soical support. Although I hardly ever got that support, if I call people become more judgmental. When I am at home I don’t want to talk to anyone. When I am irritated other people become cause. And than these phases pass away in a day. What is interesting is how do I get to these times. When i stay in rakkar, after certain amount of time i start feeling isolated. And then this strong need arises. Another clear source when I am undecisive and making no progress.
The heartsink - when I see a girl my heart twists. A girl in the car in dharmakot. The couples in CCD. The Chinese girl in the house. And believe I shouldn’t feel. One is my body feels attraction which I try to justify. And then there is an element of pride that says how can I not. And then there is a deep rooted conditioning this is the most valuable thing to do. All the soical peer as well you must need this. And the one who don’t are losers. And then this I try to deny that no i don’t need it.
The longing of physical affection - there is sense of kissing and cuddling and creasing that I have inside in the realm of my thoughts. The lack of sexual experience
The crisis of marriage - this puts it in the first quardent of problems. Logically as well. Sometime I even feel relax when I see 34 years old single ahhh it’s not too late.
the joy of open heart - The dinner at brothers house. The conversation with grandmaster. I enjoy these things.