turning inside

I talked to life coach, tried to be better than everyone around me in everything, tried to look good, tried to talked to peoples I thought might have figured out, searched happiness in pleasures, listened to the videos of enlighten ones ( so did I thought ), read books on phycology and life, spent a year travelling. collide with Buddhism, meditated, met with people like me, met with people different than me. lived in solitude.

what did it all taught me?
all this was nothing but the opinions of other person, just like me. some were signpost and other were peoples projection of their own problem. it did helped me to intellectually understand the world and build some faiths in different lights but didn’t make me fulfilled a dime more.

the most sensible of it all seems to be Buddhist perspective of life. maybe not all of it but it does click to me instantly, I spent few months to go deepen into it attended teachings and retreats. but the understanding part of philosophy didn’t really change anything. even though I identified myself completely with it. how could it be possible I get the answer but it didn’t fulfil me.

amazing part of it is I picked up meditation from there and continued. it’s been about an year so far. I didn’t do it for self analyse but I liked calmness and space it gives to the mind. meditation is fundamentally different than thinking, it’s an action not a thought. it gives the calmness and clarity. but i didn’t really believe it could do more. but it did in the background.

very organically now I felt the strong pull to look inside me. I feel there is not much to be learn from outside. it is more of a mind and ego game out there. the real deal is inside. it’s like if I like chocolate I could spend my whole life in search of great chocolates, or I can understand why I like it and just let go of craving and be free altogether. ( replace the chocolate with respect or any other attachment )

this is not an intellectual understanding of things. this is mastering the mind and cultivating and connecting with deep sense of self.

I loved what travelling did to me. but I think it has done it’s job and now the time is to travel inside and practice.