unemployed and unsure

lately I am understanding experiential meaning of perseverance. ideally I should have been earning by now and also should have been trying some new stuffs. but it’s been 4 month I’ve been working hard to get my profile just right. I feel very strongly that it should be done this way. and as I am at almost end fatigue kicks in.

I am also realising. the way people think they function is how they think. but it’s more of how they feel. let me demystify it.

it’s amazing in general when you ask people why are you doing your job or that thing ( if the question is on surface level ). people reply with great certainty like I am doing it because of learning, money, family or whatever. and I am not doing that thing because of such and such reason. like if they could get the reason right they would be able to do it with ease. but the experiential reality is entirely something else. the real problem is dealing with emotions. when you really don’t know if things are going to work out or not. handling emotional turmoil in those situation are the real deal. no reasoning work on that situation and mind doesn’t really make it easy. for some reason it makes it not knowing equals to death. just like at the time of result mind works in different fashion than at normal day of school.

I am an unemployed software engineer by choice. and may be when i left my job I had some idea what to do next. at this moment after 8 months ( well lived ) I’m not really sure about the big picture or for instance small picture.
all i want to do is explore more. make my self free from orthodox belief. discover more about myself.