vipassana-2 experience #1.
this is the second time I did this 10/11 days retreat. and it was quite intense experience. I went to the place by bus, while having some amazing chat with Dr. barbara ( a charming old lady ) and watching kick movie. I was quite surprised to hear her life story.
after registration I was quite disheartened with the accommodation. there is no doubt my ego had grown and was not accepting anything below a level. room was quite dusty I could not breath properly, there was space for 3 people. bedding was very unhygienic. I knew I would not be able to live there for the retreat. so I went to people who assigned me that room and asked if they can do anything about it. In the mind was making plan to go to some place above in the mountain and take a room and do my own retreat. luckily they assigned me space in guest house with 3 beds but quite hygienic I was quite happy. so I stay and retreat begins. my accommodation changed twice in the middle of retreat but that was not much of the deal-breaker.
first thing that separate this retreat from last one was, while last time I was struggling with posture and sitting straight. this time I found it quite easy to sit for an hour- and two. without much physical discomfort.
lust -
so I sit, closed my eyes and start to focus on the entrance of breath. and I already have some practice in this so I should be able to progress faster. I think I was able to have sharper clarity. I could sense my breath clearly, but the stability of focus was not there. instructor ( goenkaji ) explains the situation as an operation where these affliction are like puss of the rotten flash. and we are cutting it open. I am not sure how true it is. but I felt a very intense and sustained lust for days ( from day one to day five ). I could not practice properly, infect most of the session I was just imagining fantasies. I felt so helpless and than it start to make sense to me, why I am doing this, while I can do all these things. and than planning how would I go about it. a sense of delusion was there but the wind was too strong. all I wanted to do was get out and entertain my lust. things coming out which I forget was inside me. In some ways I wanted to keep feeling like this. imagining fantasies. I was what instructor captured perfectly with the word vyakul ( agitated ). as time was moving I was experiencing all the tricks of the mind to get what it is attached to. love, passion. listening to your heart. somehow I get out of it. doing this retreat looked such a stupid idea.
I start to look for sensations and than my mind moved to the next place.
the experimental lifestyle -
once I get out of the lusting zone. I felt same strong and intense, feeling towards leaving my job and living a experimental lifestyle, where first month I will go and learn dancing, second month yoga. third month … again it was so intense that I spent day or two dreaming about how would I go about it. what would be the first thing than I will do this and all. doing this retreat seemed the stupidest thing I could do. interesting I could not even remember the content now clearly. but at the moment it felt like purpose. such an intense emotions. I felt this is it. I knew my mind is playing tricks on me. it is easy to say know. I was quite aware of well I can always think of it later. but it is like I didn’t have much of the control. after couple of days it passes away.
the mentor -
after sometime a third intense turmoil comes up. at this time I am very well aware that I am tricked by mind but it is not really that helpful. I would go teach people how to code, oh the javascript web application “the whole nine yards” presentation and how I will build brand name for myself. how I would listen to their needs and help by teaching soa, git and all. for the day I had to think about it. while in every free time in session I was telling myself this is the trick. after a day it went.
soon the camp was over. I start to talk with other peoples. and everyone of these 3 purpose fade away. mind was not much interested in any of these although it was finding what I would do tomorrow quite interesting. behind all this game, i was watching everything. most of the time introspectively but some time in the moment.