7 principles #1 - Signs of failure.
harsh setup - the way a discussion begin. Dara immediately become negative and accusery. Problem isn’t housekeeping but him.
the four horseman -
- criticism - there will always be some complain but criticism is not about action but global. It is throwing blame on general character. A harsh setup generally comes in guise of criticism.
- contempt - sarcasm and cynicism are type of contempt, hostile humour, eye-rolling, name calling. It covey disgust. He is not just pointing out difference in spending money but accusing Moral deflect. The main purpose was to demean her wife. It happens when differences are not resolved.
- defensiveness - when someone defend attacked don’t back down and apologise but become more aggressive. Because in a way you are blaming your partner. It only escalate the problem. Like a judge or professor she pepper him with question just to see him squirm.
- stonewalling - eventually one partner tuned out. The less reponsive he is, more she yells eventually he leaves the room. Stonewalled doesn’t give any feedback like um-hum…
flooding - people use stonewall as a protection against being flooded. They feel so defensless against the sniper attack that they learn to do anything to avoid it.
body language - atleast one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with other. Increase heart rate and sweating.. Men tend to have negative thoughts when flooded while women tend to think soothing thoughts.
failed repair attempt - it is the effort couple make to de-escalate the tension. To put the break so flooding prevented. In unhappy marraige the feedback loop develops between four horseman and failure attempt. The contemptuous and defensive couple with each other the more flooding occurs and harder it is to hear or respond to a repair. The four horse man repaired effectively in happy marriage. Quality of friendship predict weather the repair attempt will work or not.
bad momories - people who are deeply entrenched in a nagative view of partner rewrite the past. In good one even if the wedding didn’t go well they tend to think the good parts, they glorify the struggle they went through. Now she recalls he was 30min. Late in ceremony. For some past is so unimportnat to remember that it faded away.
the end - talking things seems useless, you try to solve them by yourself. Leading parallel life, loneliness sets in.