lack of wisdom.

I am going nuts here. I feel like I can’t do it anymore. and I am pretty blank on what to do next. last couple of weeks I behave insanely wisdomless. attention-less, all the time I am feeling all other people must be thinking I am such a fool. my image of myself in my mind is shattering. hopelessness is thriving. I want to take action but don’t want to answer why. I am seriously afraid of answers. I am crying inside.

there is this cheap comfort in easiness, not putting effort. really do you think you can do anything logically with this state of mind ! there was this big hope and trust on the path of meditation, where I really believed I can live in the place of complete reality and will not feel any fear or social discomfort. but I am not sure I can do that without going through my fears first. or I don’t know what to call this thing “discomfort”.

I am talking to people with absolute confusion. telling them you know I can do only singular thing. more often than not trying to protect my image in their head. I can’t do certain things for example dance. and a part of me wants to learn it so I could prove that I can or than I will not have this shortcoming in me, I am feeling afraid to even talking to people. what the hack I am doing to myself. I want to run away. don’t look at it. because I don’t like it. it makes me feel bad.

It is hard. and I am weak, that’s the truth. it looks ugly inside and I don’t want to look at it. and than again it is just plain hard. it is much easier to not choose hard stuff. and be victim. it is much harder to stand and fight. do the right thing. denial makes it so easy to suppress. acceptance of ugliness and moving through storm lets just say it is pretty hard. the price is freedom. the real mental freedom. and cost is permanent dissatisfaction.

the way I am living is the worst possible way I can lead my life specially now. and granted you might have been poorly conditioned. but this doesn’t mean I will have to live by my conditioning. nobody is conditioned in perfect way. conditioning in itself is a flaw.

in my immaturity I want to be like other people. So i won’t be thrown away from the tribe. so people like me. because it gives a sense of worth.

can I answer some tuff and ugly question to myself. and choose whatever is the best little step I can take to move forward in this muse. there is no perfection or state where everything will be rosy. it is just the attitude and perspective I can work on. move forward with every day don’t go back to sleep.

a wisdom less step and thought less refuge will only going to take me further deep in this tangled maze of life.