This !!

I am feeling some disturbance. and in that disturbance I am looking for answers in some wrong places. at the moment I feel like only if I could figure out how to dress right, and look right, and I could do all the things they told me bring happiness I would solve this unease and I will be happy. this could be a good layer of coat or may be like those wall sticker but it can not resolve the real problem. some time I am amazingly afraid to even look at the problem, some old habit which will go away with time.

the one clear problem is I am feeling clueless about what to do. I know I will leave job in few months. but than what ! I don’t want to be entrepreneur, I know traveling alone is not the answer. complete uncertainty here is a real problem.

loneliness seems like another issue, lonely in the sense of not being able to connect with people based on what I feel like. talking is not enough, sometimes I call my old friends, but comes out even more wounded. is it possible that every one is feeling like this.

in my immaturity I want to choose a facade. a quick fix. I would like to look like other people so they would accept me. certainly the problem must be in me, because everyone else is projecting perfect happy face. who would like to talk about their problem. wouldn’t that be a weakling. you see where it is going.