what next ?

so there was a lot of thoughts when i left my job what i should do. some of them were :

it was very hard for me to explain why i want to do any of this, whats wrong with programming and designing. all i knew doing these things could be more pleasurable and satisfying. without having any idea what i mean by pleasure and what more signify.

more

more is a classic ego trap when one already have more than enough. maybe if i could only get more i would be happy and satisfied. it’s default when one have no idea of why he is doing what he is doing, sometime it might give a week sense of security and progress but it never satisfies.

pleasure

pleasure could be of 2 types, one is kind of pleasure i get when i see a beautiful sight, or eat a delicious meal. the other one is short of mental pleasure when I accomplish a challenging task like soccer goal or might be a state of flow.

then there is a wolf hiding underneath of pleasure, which could be explain as a feeling i get when other people admire me, when i feel i am better than others. when i start doing things to impress others, when my ego takes on the driving seat.

so when i say these activities could be more pleasurable it’s defiantly is not the sense pleasures. can any of these activities give me more mental pleasure than programming/designing? I really doubt it.

so why i feel attracted towards these activities at the first place. i can broadly categorise them in following

to be more wiser or gain more perspective

to be more compassionate

to be more famous or natural progression

so question arises what would be the best thing i should do now and how can i balance art, wisdom, compassion and finance in my job while reducing my ego to quite healthy state also how can i measure my progress in these parameter

expectation from my next project.

art (technology):

I should be able to do an excellent work as good as i can, there must be something new in the challenge something i never did before. but still in my reach. good or bad I must be able to project my personality into the project. ideally i should be able to attain flow in my work. the whole point is to love the process. it is not taking me anywhere it should become the place where i want to be. i should be able to put my heart into this.

but how can i measure it? it seems like the same question how would you measure love? there is definitely going to be good and bad days and pleasurable feeling is not the whole point but you know it’s a beautiful and it’s yours.

in my opinion love doesn’t happen because I like or find object attractive or interesting. although attractiveness is a great start but it can only happens over time when one start seeing more than attractiveness in it. this is the way to measure it. am I seeing something more than just what it can do for me. or how it can make my ego more famous. submit yourself to it. it can only be happen when your ego is not coming into the way. i feel like i never even gave it a chance something just in front of me but so busy looking around in other directions. i feel like i always thought about how beautiful the result will be but never the thought about to love the process.

how nice it would be to do what you really really admire and love everyday.
just give it a shot, just try once to not think what it can do for you and see how beautiful it is.

wisdom:

the first stage to attain any wisdom would be to attain a calm focused mind which can see things as they really are neither through lenses of ego nor through lenses of distraction. start with understanding deeply the very fact
that fame and money is not my parameter of success. if you have to measure than do it on the basis of wisdom, compassion and art.

watching dharma movie and inspirational talk or reading books doesn’t necessarily contributing in wisdom. it might also be amusement or distraction.

the most important thing i can do at this point of time is to meditate. so i would do 3 session a day and 10 days retreat every now and then. i can also keep notes of any important thoughts in day and think it though in evening but practice to not engage in any thought right away. reading book and watching dharma movie is ok but not as important as meditation

understand it is quite resistive path atleast in beginning. but you know in your heart it is more important then some pleasurable feeling.

I can measure it by noticing my reaction in different situations.

compassion:

i believe reducing ego and seeing things as they really are, should also be the first step toward compassion. it’s quite week in me now. understanding that you are trying, loving and showing kindness to yourself is where it all begins. knowing you are the best friend of your self and being able to take refuge in it. after-all you can only give what you have.

it would be much wiser to not pretend to be compassionate about others and do things deliberately for them at-least at this point. it will only give your ego some boost.

also practice to start noticing cognitive fusion
I can measure it also by noticing my reaction in different situations.

finance:

it’s ok to live for a while without earning, but be responsible. I really don’t need to spend irresponsibly and also the environment should be supportive. going cheap is not the goal.

so in a nutshell for next couple of months i will practice love for programming/designing, meditation, and compassion for myself. It doesn’t mean i can’t have fun, if I am not having fun whats the point of it all. but at the same time understanding clearly the big picture is an act of responsibility.

it might not feel quite fancy like changing the world, but it is the base and nothing ever useful could be build without solid base

 
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