from last few days, I have been behaving unskillfully. few days back I was talking to one of my old friend. and the answer were coming reactively. sort of, no of course not that, but this beautiful one. no empathy, compassion or anything. seeing people as pleasant and unpleasant object.

than yesterday I felt strong hatred towards one of my colleague, he was behaving as usual but I start to get angry quite quickly and start reacting on it.

same thing is happening to home. people are behaving as usual but I am loosing my temper, may be curing peoples problem because I am so smart.

I am not finding any good reason to wake up early. exercising irregularly. doing minimum viable meditation.

in office killing my time by listing podcast of dharma teachers. mindfulness haha. this dharma thing, I am overdoing it, starching it. and not doing it right.

I am also judging myself and other a...

somehow I got drifted, from last couple of weeks. I need to get back in to the shape. mental and physical. mind start to run it’s own show.

the next week I will be going for vipassana. and indeed that would be a good boost to psychological health. first thing I would like to do is start the wheel rotating. get into the action. and once the wheel start to rotate, it gets a little bit easier to flow.

I only have 5 days left before I leave for vacation. few things I need to do in next 5 days. 6'clock wake up, 40 minute meditation in the morning, 1 hour in the night. 5-6 days of workout t25 and in the evening roller. get back to observer seat, I can finish 4 step of mindfulness and restart class-podium.

I need to buy few things to house which I will do now.

I have around 3 months before I will move to that unknown, uncertain place. how can i live this time in most effective way ?

worst case scenario - count days and survive.

build classpodium - technology is going to play a big role in my life there is no doubt about it. and as I can see with every passing time stream I open a window of exploration. and it can only only be seen after I have traveled certain distance. a new window has been opened. I can see how it is possible to build a real product in technology and I am certain at some point I will do, why not now ! this can close the circle and put me in a remarkable position.

make mistakes - I know things doesn’t stick in mind for long time. and it is psychologically hard to do anything new for the first time. If I already know this thing is ending soon why not use this time to try something new that seems a bit reluctant. why not be...

as I am getting better in finances, doing job is not making sense to me. it require too much time and energy. and very less time left to do anything. it feels like a wake up in the morning and before I know I go back to sleep. it starts to feel like a prison.

just the engagement without meaning is not good enough. there are times when I can immerse in work. and time passes by quickly. but it doesn’t satisfy.

value system of people I hang out with is not inline with mine. more often I see people next to me are just watching facebook and news and whatnot. this is there strategy of getting though. nobody question life. this is how it is. the pleasure of life is to get drunk and gossip.

just plain being myself is quite hard. the constant judgement and expectation to fit in, takes a lot a attention. constantly invoking comparison.

from the work point of view, it is a great place. lead...

this week could be described as lost in the dessert. almost no exercise, waking up late, somehow making through day. eating whatever. almost no reading. counting days till weekend. afflicted, self loathing. hiding. meaningless life. living in waiting for the next big event. it’s like I don’t want to play but it’s not optional.

spirituality - this was not a great week in practice of spirituality, I felt quite dissatisfied with life that, I couldn’t see the value of practice. start focusing more and more on what is missing in my life and internal dissatisfaction is being projected as the result of these missing points. wedding seems like another scar. people constantly reminding me of the bounties of samsara. and I felt being judged and humiliated. it feels just opposite of praise. yet I maintain some level of awareness. may be not razor sharp, but I know what I am going through. it is...

yesterday morning, I wake up and as it is happening quite frequently these days I was not in good mood. majorly because of the meaningless nature of work. so I went to the office. I started my computer. and a nice guy in office asked me, “hey man, are you going to the wedding”. and I replied “I would”. we had some laugh. what does that even mean I would !. the truth is, I was not sure. and honest truth is, I don’t want to go but I have to go.

Now people are asking to each other “what are you gonna wear.” see I have brought this thing yesterday", and the competition begins. maybe the psychology reason was I don’t want to be embarrassed. or for some maybe show-off. but I am sure it has nothing to do with actual purpose of wedding. I am sure there was another group of people close to the groom must have different psychological reason.

I could not comprehend this idea, of buying a suit to...

The time I am writing this, I am feeling like something inside me is tearing me apart. the meaning less ness is killing me. I am unable to decide anything. it is like I don’t want to go outside and I don’t want to live inside. and there is no particular event that is triggering it. feeling very under-confident. kind of not even hating but despising people around me. my heart is like contracting, sort of nausea like experience but in my chest.
just barley getting by.

I know very well, I have a choice here, whether to feel miserable or look at it. and be free of it. but for some perverted reason I am choosing to be like this. it’s like I have a choice but I don’t.

my inability of expressing my heart, and this constant game of peoples judgements is torturing me. the superficiality, greed, values and games of the peoples are tormenting me.

and no wonder entertaining desires becomes...

sometimes it feels like life is just too overwhelming, insane amount of it is just filled with afflictions, and it is tearing me apart. I can sense there would be a time when I would be able to stand against my fears, attachments and affliction firmly. but at this moment, it seems insanely challenging to just keep my face up.

all the fear, lust, greed and doubt keep tormenting me quite frequently, and people around me pretend, they are happy. and they defend their concept of happiness. some finds their work as a source of happiness, some thinks it is the attention they are getting from people, others believes they are doing it for their family. it feels like they have made some sort of deal with ignorance. and anyone who is going against it would be potentially an unpleasant object.

when i came to dubai, just like when I started programming, I felt well the tough, the challenge is the...

isn’t it quite common to see that we make really good friends while we were in schools. that kind of friendship doesn’t happens in work and all. my guess is because we were less mean and self oriented at that time. people were not just ( pleasant/ unpleasant ) objects.

few days back I helped a (executive) person with small thing without self interest. situation called for it and it happened. I could see his surprise. I could see how hungry our damaged souls are for a little bit of kindness without self interest. and I am not talking about starving people in poverty.
just the normal people.

the world is getting meaner, everyone seems to trapped in this web of greed. in our madness every sip of it, scratches our dry throat. and this selfless kindness is like a sip of water that heals it.

how often I forget that person right in front of me is actually a person, not an object but...

so when I don’t feel good. of-course the reason is because the situation is not right. ya maybe it is the job ! oh it’s the friends, or may be it’s the right partner. money, fame. or if it is a hopeless situation than education did it to me. maybe parents. look how mean the world is. or may be it is all because of the weather. did you see how hot it is. how could anyone be happy ( even if you are sitting in AC ). blame on something. or take the refuge in denial.

the reality is entirely something else. I sit on the meditation and close all the input channel. and the dance of desire, deception and tricks begins. I can’t see, hear, touch or smell anything but I am unhappy. blaming for things I am not even experiencing.

the source of pain, the conflicts, the wounds are inside. and it can only be healed from the inside. they are nothing but hopelessly stingy belief, and the world is doing...