it seems like there is no way we can alter our behavior. it is a singular thing. so I walk around street hatred in my heart. judging every passing person thinking how stupid and miserable he is. and I start to feel inferior. than I did a good dead for someone out of spontaneous love and I felt loved and worthy. I see a person trying and struggling and my heart appreciated his attempts, and I start to feel gratitude for myself. I don’t know where I read it, but it feels very true. “we all serve from the single bowl”.

kindness and hatred can not stay at the same time. just like clarity and confusion can not be present at the same moment. these qualities are singular, so If you are kind, you are kind for others as well as for your self. you can’t do it in isolation. if you are judging other, you are bound to feel inferior or superior. see how comparison leads us in the wrong direction.

...

twisted week, in the middle of the week I was like “so be it”. I stopped working out, waking up as late as I can, watching youtube till late night facebooking and what not. counting days left in the week. the old kind of lifestyle. somehow I convinced myself “I wanna see how bad it is or something”. I tasted confusion, inferiority, hatred, judging all the time, all kind of disgusting lump. most of the time I was just living in my head. the interesting thing though were introspection mindfulness keeps kicking in.

spirituality - amusingly no matter what I can’t not do the meditation. this has become a very strong habit. I continued mediation as usual. I started reading four foundation of meditation book. as I went through a burst of instantaneous pleasure approach. i can clearly experienced a lot of disturbed emotions. and afflictions. maybe not that intense but they are there.

work - I...

I crawled through this week, I was a bit sick for the first half of the week, and than for the rest of the week I was kind of lost and at unease. the office mega-olympic thing happened. and It was an ok experience. as I can expect myself I was more into defensive mode. not restrained, not practiced mindfulness in particular, even spiritual aspect of life felt like bs. I was unhappy with my life.

spirituality - even though I was doing meditations but I was getting up before bell rings. I was feeling a bit hopeless. I listened to talks and whatnot but these things fade away really fast. I started to write about the spiritual wounds i have.

work - it was not bad, but my heart was not into the work. actually my heart was not anywhere it was captured by obscurations. in the work most of the time I was engaged. not in the flow didn’t even cared about it. unskillfully using the free time.

It was a ideally challenging week. and I feel like I am not doing letting go part correctly. I started the week with reading dhammapda, and and dancing with life. I was restraining myself a bit hard for mind-body-fasting thing but It all broke away last night, in very unexpected way. and I sincerely feel like it’s not the right way of practice. at the end of week I felt sick and rested,

spirituality - assessing your own progress is a tricky job. but one thing is sure I am putting sincere effort. or atleast trying. meditating 1 hour at night and 30-40 minutes in morning. reading at night and also in the morning. oh and I was listening to rumi a lot this week. just practice to observe more, just practice naked observation. whatever arises. and practice to let go on the mental level. be aware of watch instead of running away from disturbing emotions like fear.

work - I am loosing my...

mind feels so much like a clinging organ. It practically clings for anything. it clings for lust and if you restrain, it will cling for that restrain. you start reading book and it will start clinging how many I read this week. It feels like it only knows 2 things, either you entertain or suppress. both ways mind just wants to score.

then there is this clinging to progress, it just wants to feel I am making progress. It just want to make sure I am running, aimlessly ! that’s ok with mind. the delusion, the trap, the wastage.

restrain, suppress this is not same as letting go. and i don’t know how to let go. the more you try the more it becomes the mind game. it will happily suppress it for you. If you don’t try it becomes too easy for mind to run it’s own show.

it is so easy to write about it, when It’s not happening. but when emotions turmoil, it’s the whole different state. it is...

I don’t think about the result that often, or practice mediation with expectation of some kind. or read books for that matter. and no matter what I will continue these practices in future.

but sometimes ( being a bit modest here ) I judge my progress based on how I am performing as compare to past in terms of fear, anxiety, pride and .. , these are untold expectations and parameters. it’s not a bad way of measurement, but it’s not accurate either.

so what if I feel fear, anxiety and discomfort sometime. why I need to remove them, because they feel bad ! trying to control something I am not even in-charge of.

imagine a life where you are 100% aware and concentrated and living in the moment all the time. imagine you have a deep understanding of self, real suffering, real happiness. and standing firm on it like a mountain, how could opinions move a grounded real understanding ( truth )...

there is this idea that is circling in my mind. in future some time I will take a year long retreat and solve this mind of mine, and than everything will be rosy. and I will be liberated, I will be fearless, everything would be crystal clear. until than it is just the preparatory life, not the real stuff.

ok I exaggerated a bit. but subconsciously I have same kind of expectation. where I conveniently miss the detail about challenging part. may be I would do something like this in coming years, but overlooking now is the most unskillful thinking. and this is clearly unacceptable.

than there is this corrupted idea of liberation in my mind. which means I would have no more fear. no more confusion. and I will always make the right choice. i will always feel good. bad feelings will not even arrive. i will no more feel uncomfortable in social situations and this will make me happy. and to...

amazing week, I was very well disciplined, I woke up every day at 6. worked out. it felt like the real deal is practice, the understanding (reading/..) part is basically there to make sure the course of the path is right. so I don’t drift in the direction of attachment and aversion. one great habit I start to integrate is “assan hai, khel hai”, naturally I found strong pull to repeat these sentences at night before sleeping. and when I wake up in the morning. infect sometime when I go for toilette in midnight I was saying these words in half sleep. another thing I start doing was in the morning instead of doing anything I just sit for ½ hour and observe what is happening around me.

spirituality - respectable effort. meditating everyday in morning 30min. in night around 1 hour (vipassana). every night I read some beautiful book like tao te ching, dancing with life, and gita ( more...

I wish I was in enough control so I could live with wisdom. but I can’t specially when life gets confused and in afflictive state of mind it is so easy to give up. 4 week restrain is something I have done before so it is achievable.

body fast guideline-
everyday exercise ( 6 days a week ). 3 times food, morning breakfast at sarvana bhavan, afternoon lunch, evening subway. and a lot of water. wake up at 6, sleep at 10.

mind fast guideline -
20-30 min meditation morning, 1 hour evening. number one priority is observe, internal than external. single tasking with complete focus. if it is not possible read a book or watch a video. absolutely no other stream of information. absolutely not entertaining affliction with consciousness. if even more afflictive, take a walk or take a nap. the whole point is to consciously do not act unskillfully.

about the doubt- I know in between all this I...

This is crazy, I can’t seems to be able to still and keep running to avoid reality as much as possible, is madness. these sort of burst of fleeting pleasures without satisfaction is like a intoxicant. and I am running around in circle unsatisfied, confused, hopelessly hoping may be this will finally satisfy me ( at-least a little ). maybe after this when I will do that, I will live happily ever after.

running around without really knowing the game can not take anyone anywhere. the very nature of default is ignorance. to just run, run and run. with different level of illusions, few rooted in virtues, others in darkness. ultimately all in ignorance.

Imagine living with clear experiential understanding, rooted firmly in reality. Imagine being completely free, free from the grip of mental weeds like fear, greed, hatred, illusions. finally being satisfied without looking for more. finally...