so I went out yesterday. have a couple of drinks. something I was chastising myself from quite a while . over the moral concept and this idea that it can severally disturb the calmness of mind. I don’t want anymore concepts. it doesn’t really help that much. experiment and learn by trying and observing this is the only thing that make sense to me. and there is a lot of senseless but true fear involve in trying new things.

so how did it felt ! It felt ok, a nice and decent start. I like that I went with a person with whom I could talk with a bit more vulnerability. I felt like I released some energy or something. this was the thing I was looming from last week or so. and at the moment mentally I feel bit free. it I think whole night I was thinking about god knows what. a bit more noise I can say. in the morning when I did meditation, I felt a bit dull too.

ofcourse the level of...

that’s it. a fear can not be tamed with thoughts. preparation. and I am very well aware that it feels bad to be struggle. but that’s the paradoxically magical thing. struggle. and this is the real deal.

so despite being not 100% prepare can you take plunge with however ready you are. and very consciously learn to take the first blow. would it be something that you can do knowingly.

I live in the place where I can really open myself, from social point of view. i wanna go out put myself in some venerable situation. and than learn to observe and see. what exactly I have to loose. what exactly I am afraid of. a bad experience. you know very well, you can’t thought your way out of it.

this is the most disturbing energy in me. this is something I want to do subconsciously, this is something I am not good at naturally. this is something when I saw other doing, I feel a tease in my heart. this is something which has to be overcome. this is my first world problem I guess. on the surface I want to be smooth, sleek and likable but not at the cost of being impostor. what I really want I guess is acceptance and admiration. which is a actually a happy feeling generator or atleast subconsciously i think so. isn’t it what generally understood as success, acceptance and admiration. and than I want to feel confident in my skin.

lets top this dish up with fear of trying new things out for the first time. there is no doubt the very obvious response in terms terms of feeling is conflict and pain. unease and not knowing, because too much importance has been given to the feeling...

The way I am living these days are not right. here is the snapshot of yesterday, I heard the ring in the morning 6. but I snoozed till 8:30. I didn’t felt any drive or energy to push myself for anything. I did my minimum viable meditation and left for office. today I was feeling a bit excited because yesterday night iftar was fairly good. I shopped and all. so i will end this story today. but my system env. is giving me hard time, so I told it in the morning and one of colleague helped me to overcome it. it was not really a hard issue I might have figured out if I was interested, now I am in bad mood. suddenly thoughts of quitting geared up. than I saw our newsletter and it even went bit more down. as hurdled were removed I started to enjoy work a bit more. and stayed a bit longer.

so office ended, and I came to moe for food. I got a cola and opened my computer and I am feeling a bit...

It was a mix week, I started last week with quite a strong determination of following a basic ritual of health and than building on top of it later. which went well for 3 days and than completely dropped out after that. throughout the week I was timepassing with mild depression, I took a day of in between, than there was iftar and I went shopping and the that night I was high on emotions and than next day. after seeing just one image that high vanished and a mild low appeared. I cultivated a new habit that I wake up at 6 and snooze till 8:30. i could not stop doing it. whole week I did that. it is quite clear that without some strong resolution it will continue to be like that. every now and than I was telling myself look I am observing all this.

spirituality - I did meditation in the beginning of the week I did two session of around 40-50min each. slowly it went to 20 min. the interest...

If only one thing I could achieve in next 5 years. and that will make it worth. It would be this. good or bad all the concepts are concepts, a very poor way of knowing the nature of reality, and it is pretty much useless if not harmful.
what is a good concept !! the one that justify your sense of self things you identified yourself with. you see the futility of it. basically all these has to be someone’s observance.

the real deal, the knowing is what you have learnt by observing. like really plain fundamental observing. no concept, no glasses. just the naked reality, just the plain truth of internal and external existence. and than you don’t have to explain this is because I am feeling that. no no no You directly know it.

this is the only thing that matter. this is the only reliable thing, the challenge is when I am disturbed. not feeling great. the last thing I want to do is this. If...

I am living a very wired life these days. I don’t have a clear goal or purpose. refactoring myself is not a purpose in itself that have enough emotions. and I am dissipating my energy in conflicting ways. I am quite empty on what I should do now as well.

the best thing I can do here is to move the needle. but that too need a lot of energy. or I can wait penitently waiting for the right thing. but how can I sit with a burst of energy in me.

the real thing, the very real thing is the self enquiry and knowledge of the interface we are dealing as human being. but this is a very subtle thing. and very easily misunderstood. oh I want to do it and this is what I am trying to do from last 6 months, an year and may be more. as simple as it sound, it’s not something that can be achieved easily. may be this is the hardest thing in the world because of subtlety of it.

experiment atleast for the...

hiding flaw in character by personality is not the good strategy. the confidence, the sense of self must not be fused with clothes, color and hair style, wearing mask of facade is not going to bring freedom.

It is simple to observe that their is a mutual game world is playing. a common delusion. and the game is you are how you present yourself. If you want the reward play the game. even I see people people the same way a lot of time. it’s like we don’t have enough mental cuffs. that we invented few more.

there is nothing wrong in presenting yourself nicely and there is nothing righteous in looking like savage. but the problem is fusing once identity with it. you see how this quick fix gives a very temporary and deluding confidence at the cost of permanent imprisonment in the clutches of that delusion.

can you walk naked in the room full of people wearing suits ( if it is legal )...

I am feeling some disturbance. and in that disturbance I am looking for answers in some wrong places. at the moment I feel like only if I could figure out how to dress right, and look right, and I could do all the things they told me bring happiness I would solve this unease and I will be happy. this could be a good layer of coat or may be like those wall sticker but it can not resolve the real problem. some time I am amazingly afraid to even look at the problem, some old habit which will go away with time.

the one clear problem is I am feeling clueless about what to do. I know I will leave job in few months. but than what ! I don’t want to be entrepreneur, I know traveling alone is not the answer. complete uncertainty here is a real problem.

loneliness seems like another issue, lonely in the sense of not being able to connect with people based on what I feel like. talking is not...

spirituality is an interesting thing to explore and I have read a lot of literature and done significant practice and will continue, it has given me a solid understanding of life from one angle. as good as it looks, it’s not enough, life needs to be explore from other angles as well. or I would end with strange one sided denial towards life. I have very limited experience with life. and wisdom needs more data.

with an acute concentration, and retrospective mindset I would like to venture into the world, the outer world to observe without concepts. to try dark and white side of life. to see what is all out there experientially. to really try and see. build wisdom on your own experience and observance.

so what are some other angles. one clear angle is the extroverted way people live in the world. out of very much disgust, I never read any literature on this. out of narcissistic...