Q- I am keep telling myself in my mind things like. I am not confused anymore. see I know deeply who am I and all, like I am done with this search

this is although unclear but interesting question. do I really know myself. do I really know what thoughts are? do I know structure of emotions. at one level I actually know these constructs and their impermanent nature. I also know the lack of control over subconscious level ( i kind of resist to use this term )
and I know my helplessness against it. but this knowing ( on subconscious level ) needs to be strong. it kind of get deflated fast. a regular practice is essential without a question.

but on the other hand this was my exclusive companion from some time. and I am feeling like I have reached a certain saturation point. some other avenue for me is now open. like to live, tweak and experience outwardly. test your internal strength by...

a good week I start to get more serious about this next thing for me. I am hooked with reading the rational man. I finished reading charisma myth. read some part of assertive book. it is quite liberating to get another angle. I felt strongly that I don’t have enough knowledge to decipher this challenge. let alone solving it. but I kind of start having fun. I took some of my italian colleagues to dinner. a good experience. things like these I never did before. also a new project initiation is there. it is quite clear in my mind. that I have 7 more weeks in here. waking up late, sleeping late.

spirituality - I am doing mediation 20-20 mins. most of my spiritual attention is on understanding social dynamics. I am getting extremely excited to learn more about it. although I have a small doubt in my head ( I am trying to crush it in my head right now ). what if it is form of denial that is...

am I feeling happy ! aroused ! excited ! and all those positive emotions - no ! although I am feeling hope :) . ya but at certain level I am feeling quite satisfied with my self. in a general sense I think I am getting this framework of life. and at certain level I think I am accepting it with a smile. it might very well be a denial or trick of my mind. but I think I start to get some sense of this game of life. not in terms of concrete destination. but more of a fluid sense of path. how this path look and feels like. and it seems to me how tasteless life will become without this adventures uncertainty, You can’t peak the book of life. you have to experience it page by page.

the more I am going through same kind of phases. the transition doesn’t really deceitfully scares me. instead of tightly holding the spoon and concentrating there I get to be relaxed and enjoy the view.

it is just...

So the blocker that is the center of my attention these days is what I meant when I say I am cultivating my social skills. to be honest it feels like a stinging pain and manifestation of it is quite clear, quite often. so as I start to explore the nature of it. start to diagnose it. it is self evident that I don’t even understand the problem. it is like I know there is a pain. but I don’t know from where it is coming. or even If I can put my finger, it is very gross observation. and it makes no sense to apply remedy without knowing problem properly. the progress trap. I think there are 3 elements to self-diagnosis.

educate yourself - this can save tremendous time. and unnecessary pain caused by confusion. premature attempt doesn’t really carry a weight and it is super easy to give up. at the understanding level game has to be very clear. and the daddy dom here is to read books. no video...

So today I started to work on new project in my compony. this is nice, small and challenging project in terms of people and technology. I can go passive or I can experiment. how exactly I should go.

the worst thing I can do in office is time pass. which is something that I am doing these days I guess. and the best thing to do is totally engage in work. lead on front end. verify prs on everything. ask what you don’t understand. assert when situation is bit complicated. get involved 100%. exactly know what task you are doing. play with it. it’s fine if it is front end, great if it is backend and cool if it is devops. struggle, please don’t go back to sleep. this is an interesting opportunity. man seriously take advantage of it. lets see how far I can go with do your best. just show me what you got in terms of attitude.

but you have to be already in rhythm when you reached office.

I am waking up as late as I can. I am not exercising. in the meditation letting be taken over easily. In work I keep getting senselessly distracted. although things are fairly clear. but because I don’t have a clear tangible goal. distractions are easily overruling me.

so the real meat at the time is cultivating social skills. I have read several books and I am hungry of more information. although a background thought is there that how long you gonna just keep reading. even though I am making efforts regularly. as I know myself I want all in like 30 days bootcamp. but interestingly I don’t have enough knowledge to do so.
I know I will reach a point where I will like ok enough information lets play this game.

see the time is really a scarcity here. I have very very limited time for myself. so use it more wisely. I think it make sense to go full throttle on reading, understanding and...

so again I am like a little ( laughing deeply ) confused what exactly I am doing. it is like I take my eyes a little of and I am standing right in the same spot. so here are the few things I am doing in quite zig zag way.

• cultivating social skills.
• knowing myself internally.
• planning exit.

cultivating social skills - basically I am reading here. making broader sense of what exactly I am laking and what exactly I am looking for.along the way I am making small, small efforts like taking lead on ordering food, taking people out, putting my thoughts out in front of people. I think what I am doing is fairly good. and once I have enough knowledge to make a framework. I can go all in. ya some time i want to play big leagues and felt a bit vyakul ( i wish they had a word for this in english )

knowing myself internally - don’t go back to sleep. I am finding myself preaching more about it (...

this week started with small internal fear that I might lost the momentum. and than I went to search room. that was a tipping point. few days I spent searching home. than I finalize one moved here yesterday night and now righting this post form here. this was quite hectic kind of week. I was reading the charisma myth and how to dress like a man. kind of confused. thought of leaving this place was circling.

*spirituality - * I was doing mediation poorly, infect 20-24 min seems like a lot in some cases. I am sort of drifting from here. one good thing I started doing was these QAs’. definitely I need to rethink the framework, the big picture here. don’t just run around.

*work - * yesterday I just sat in the office for whole day. didn’t really do anything. I didn’t work on analytical mind. there is very less pull and a lot of push from me.

*health - * I am guessing that I worked out 1 day...

Q am I learning to live with these physiological unease or I am trying to get to a state where there is no more of these unease ?

to be honest I want to remove this unease but reality is I have to learn to live with them. all of these fear and greed and hatred. specially fear, they are like strong release of chemical or something in body, it put me in a very different state. one thing is very very clear is this huge physiological reaction. and this is completely out of my hand. it just happens. although I am usually quite aware when it was happening. at least in the case of fear. I usually don’t want to look when it is attachment.

the thing is I can learn a thing like dancing which scares me, and along the way loose the fear for it. but the same fear will be there in other places.

the amazing question is, is it possible to operate while I am feeling these. can I detach from it. it is...

so we had a meeting today. alex gave a nice presentation. and than there was a questions round. while the presentation was going on I had a question or suggestion sort of thing in my mind. but when question session begin I couldn’t speak my mind. there was very well known physiological feeling of fear, every time I wanted to speak and it was very real.

what just happened, i wanna understand this experience in detail because it is a real deal breaker. and one way or another I am fighting it from very long time.

are you feeling it now ? no, but I think I am in state where I can get infected faster. mainly because I don’t want to feel that. ya but I am much more sane to continue or even reset it now. I can drop it here.

can you live with it if it keeps happening for rest of your life occasionally ? yes indeed I can live with it. but may be tomorrow I would feel a bit lesser of me when I...