after working 9 months. which i believe was a fair trade. I sincerly hope this was my last job. there are certain good thing about job. learning skill. social enviornment. and a good steady payment is not a bad trade. specially if learning skill and money is most desirable barter for the current circumstances. but by design it promote buffer. it also buy certain kind of luxury that one might not need but feels good to have. on the other side it has some significant disadvantage.

freedom - If I was not doing job I might have attended several retreat. but this is not an option. the barter is too strict. it is x amount of hour for y amount of wage. and it is very fair. but for some people who knows the value of freedom. it is just not available for barter. specially once you know you have limited time, it’s just not an option.

meaning - I like programming. I know how it feels to be...

Aimlessly I am moving in the bush of unkown. I don’t know what is waiting on the other side. probably a bit of dipression in the beginning. although one thing is remarkable about about this strategy, there is no buffer. you have to act. these days I am reading more and more.

although I am not sure about what to do. I am aware of things that are coming into the way and restricting me from living life fully. may be those would be the things I will go after first.

on the other hand education/reading is definetly going to be a major component I guess. because it is just too valuable. on the one hand it opens new area and on the other it helps to pin point and dignose the problem more clearly.

and than there is no remedy for action. but the problem is reading and other stuff viciously become refuge. so action must be number one priority. once you have enough information to take one...

so I started. unlike I would imagine, this was pretty humble start. just focus on meditation and exercise and reach to thresold point of sanity. read books along the way. desolve the constraints of mind and don’t perform any harmful action for soul, I will continue doing it atleast till I am in dubai.

I just wrote the post and than lost it the page refresh accident. welcome murphy. so today is the day I was waiting for some time, when I can start/restart this new life of freedom. although I am not feeling very excited at the moment ( while eating macdonald ) and a inner noise is telling me you are not gonna last for long time ( but I don’t believe these floating things contribute much in this kind of decision ). so lets begin the adventure.

so the first thing that needs to be done here is to build momentum. walk out of this mud. rattle this cage of the mind. struggle a bit with this slugishness. and there is nothing build momentum like a good solid beating of resistance. and this is the task for tomorrow get back into the game. stop sleeping.

so here is the task for tomorrow. 6 gatka of 24 min. samatha meditation, 1 solid exercise. use the rest of the time for writing and/or...

there is a clear prerequisite to this new phase of life and that is having a calm mind and healthy body. and going through the whole process awaken. this is extremely important and the first task of the month.

you have to do 3 hours ( 6-24/min or 3-40min) meditations and 1-30 min. gatka of exercise, cautiously eating on the full day. and adjust accordingly. this is clear priority. for atleast 1 month.

from 23 september, I will officially start my new life. so I better start prototyping it now. from what I can see these are the major components.

self knowledge - this is major component of the equation. self descovery by meditation.

health - this has to be solved permanently.

education - this means a lot books in all area of life.

soical - it is quite a blocker and most primitive skill.

new skills - I missed out on some of the fundamental skills like swimming.

these are the major areas I would like to work upon. and than there is serendipity which I am sure will guide me along the way.

very chill sort of week. not much of a work. i started to read some more books like gita but drop in the middle. It felt like I am not really comprehanding these messages and using them some sort of refuge. I am not feeling very strong gravity to do anything. it’s clearly buffer period. I am trying to spent less. one of the key theme from last week was to normalize my your mind. every now and than I go to beach

spritiuality - I am more focued on samatha practice. I am doing quite moderate regular and habitual practice of meditation. mind is scattered. but somewhat not so active. reading books and watching vedios are not really seems very benifical. infect some time it sort of irretates me.

health - No exercise this week although I started to roll my legs. I am also not eating any healthy. again this sort of buffer period is happening to me where I am not really concern about any thing.

state of mind is clear prerquisite for learning. and this is something I am struggling these days with. reading a book seems to be more damaging than helping if done in a agitated state of mind. the hardest thing seems to be not doing anything watch it and let go. come back to normal state. infect reading a book becomes a refuge. an excuse. a progress trap. a way to release some cemical in mind.

but what should I do? I can’t wait for a week before I am in calm state again. I think one thing is dominanting state if it is agigatetd than definately even a week rest make sense. but if the dominating state is calm and healthy than probably a walk and good session of meditation or may be a nice chat is enough.

the thing is I am in agitated dominant state currently and I didn’t own my time completely. but as I am moving from job to freedom again. first clear task would be to cross the...

i don’t know what I would do after 2 weeks. I am not really demonstrating strong character and fight. I am sick and tired of living confused meaningless life. I feel strong disgust of my inability against sense pleasure. I am extremely uncomfortable in this hypocritical society. This gap between subconscious and conscious is root for evil of ignorance. I feel helpless and everyone is biting me around. Ignorance. I can’t see properly. My state of living is a constant struggle. I am suffocating here.

I don’t wanna distract myself. But the reality is so hard. And then there is aging and death. Can I really free my myself from these traps. I don’t wanna run in circle. I can’t live like this and all I can do is show my will. All these spiritual people’s point towards a path. That’s all I got.

I think a good and extremely hard thing about owning your life is you can’t really fool around. I...

In hurry and hactic state. I finished. Reading autobiography of yogi than read surrender experiment and now reading boundaries. I somewhat feels like I am not in the situation to make wise choice or even attempting to look deeper into me. Something inside me is afraid. So I am going for tangible progress. I don’t really know what I am doing. Or would be doing. Reading some of these books are building this faith that I will be guided. Finally Alex broke the news to team that I am leaving.

sprituality I am looking for sign and help. I am continuing meditation but keep getting up early than 20 minutes. I am feeling more afraid in social situation. Clearly unbalanced.

work work was quite demanding. And interestingly my team leads behavior was getting a bit cranky But we delivered on time with grace. I also saw first time in cs office that everyone was using agent zero.

health not only I...