these last 2-3 days went super quick. more of logistics oriented flow. I was able to meet doctor. fixed my mac and meet raviendra. there is some logistics to be taken care of. on the other side I was having good time here with my family. and food.

tomorrow i will be moving to pune. just like pretty much everyday I need to create logistics list today. make sure you are deciding when you are in confusion.

so I am in india. writing it from CCD but have no internet connection. It was more of logistics week. things are moving so fast that I can hardly feel anything. it’s like I am riding along. I completed jobs than read art of seduction. which turns out to be a pretty good book. I was impressed with the size of books when I saw them in book shop. I think from the next week or so the format of this post will also change. ya I put that post regarding leaving namshi on facebook. and wrote a blog post about my experience with namshi. which read with good oscillation. closing my bank account and fnf from namshi was good. in india I did a checkup with doctor about my leg.

spirituality - life moved with a bit of a pace. and I continued meditation but I can’t really remember much right now. there was sweet struggle around imposing my will. and seeing things passing through my mind. most of the...

It’s quite clear that some sort of discipline is necessery. so it makes sense to start with certian houserule, draft for the day, or something. at this moment I am very empty in terms of everything. and my mind is all also quite unbalanced.

I am in kind of a place where I feel like if i undertake everything, it will be too much. and if I don’t do anything it will be too less. what I think would be nice approach is just decide what you would like to do tomorrow before sleeping and just do that. revise it tomorrow.

I had this belief, there is a moment than everything changes. like from today i decided to move on and now everything is different. just like that. but that belief is shattering with time. this belief itself is built on a foundational belief that there is a solid you. that has this power and will to do it. what if you are just a process, you can’t decide to change, it’s not your decision to make. but you can influence the process. you can optimize it. what if the point of your whole life is to keep refining this process. this is a spiral. i think after a while it will start to roll by itself.

there is a thousand of small decision to make everyday. seemingly trivial from point of view of solidity. but if we look it from process point of view what could be more important than that.

I think from here onword. this is all about refining that process. the patience and awareness are the...

and so the last day in namshi ended. and I am free as a bird tomorrow. time has been so hactic and haste that I can’t feel much. even I am not really bothered to ask the question what should I do now. I just want to relax for while. and do not much. may be just read because I like doint it. I am also feeling very closed or whatever is opposite of vulnerable. I am feeling agitated and dull.

however there was this weired expereince happened today. along with me a gregarious person was leaving and everyone celebrated with cake. but I was also leaving and indeed only few people in my team knew and they didn’t prepare anything. last thing in the world i want was cake and celeberation. but it cretaed a bit of a uncomfortable situation. on the other hand I am not expert in these games. and thinking of people. I am sure even though I have clearly told what I am gonna do and everything in my...

tomorrow will be my last working day in namshi. what I am feeling is either calm or just dull. a bit of emotionless, the mood is not really caring about anything much. even though it is a peak phase. it feels like a execution phase. probably because I have next month plan out ( kind of - atleast I know where I will be sleeping ).

I have this seed of an idea that I will be mastering the art of social daynamics. and probably reading a lot of books. but that’s about it. I am somewhat not feeling the need of a plan. lets see how it goes.

the more pressing question seems like what I should be doing now. I am definitely reading a lot of books and even sort of induldging in them should I continue ?. I should be taking actions but I am not feeling enough energy for that. there is some logistics but I am sure they will carry out with time.

it is somwhat autopilot. and I need to strategize it...

it is kind of easy and gratifying to read and contemplate about things and not doing anything about them. knowledge is prop and very satisfactory in itself. but action is the real deal and somewhat resistance filled. it is naturally hard and more satisfying ( long term ) to act as compare to understand. indeed knowing what you are doing and how it works it clearly prerequisite. but there is this tendency to lean on it way more than it is required just because it is easy as compare to action.

so here is the thing I would like to do. specially as I am the owner of my full time. there has to be action pipeline may be gamified. and everyday you need to do atleast one gatka 1-2 hours of these exclusively. they could be blocker, aspiration, experiment or anything but they can not be thought and contemplation.

and what is most important here is that you have the pipeline of them. things you...

there is this common theme in psychology. that your current state of being is majorly influenced by nurturing. is it possible that some of the under flourished or blocker aspect of my life is driven from those childhood events like I stole and got humiliated. did I left those events behind or I am still holding them somewhere deep inside.

It is clearly affecting some of my friends life around me. also the obedeint training has fairly neutralize peoples mind in my community.

meditation is silver bullet to subjectively understand and recitify this.

besically what it does is basically create limiting beliefs. and bind them with an emotional tie. to call the bluff. first you need to know what is the limiting belief and than be aware next time while it is happening. you will still feel bad as this is more of automatic process. but you will also notice the falseness of it. and I guess...

getting back on feet. this week I started to get back on my feet. I am rolling in pretty good momentum at the momentum. I read richest man in babyloan and started to read jobs. exercising, eating somewhat properly. meditating more and just getting into the groove. reading somehow expand your mind isn’t it. and all these concepts are coming back to me while I meditate. the next spritiual sunday post will be from delhi ccd ( a leaf (wrapper) flaoting outside for dramatic effect )

spritiuality - I am doing 3 gatka of 40 minute from last 3 days. and moving physically in meditation. some nice struggle there. also again I am noticing mental patterns.

health - I exercised 2 days, cardioX. but more importantly this will continue. eating no junks.

work - wasn’t much, because of holiday. but It was decent.

family - rolling.

an interesting concept of social daynamics or should I say psychological war. pass a negative comments in a subtle way to someone and put him in anxious mindset. now when you have successfully shot down intellactual capabilty of someone. destroying him is an easy task. do it in an innocent way and it will looks like he is weakling who can not carry himself. it works even when you know because it’s a subconscious attack. it will take the frame out of victime hand in a subtle way. devilish but true.

and how do I know it. because it happened to me so many times. recently I start to notice it. when in a meeting and than in an conversation ( around a lot of people ) mr A. thrown it on me. defenseless I scrumbled knwoingly.

things like these one must need to learn to defend oneself against the wolf in the sheeps clothing.