It somewhat feels like there is a lot of emotions and now you are talking so you don’t feel them. But in process you are only making it worse. What you suppose to do is breath and it is not easy.

Where did I went in other direction. I was making progress but how did I let go and let illusions take over. I think the major reason was unreasonable expectation of growth. And expecting the wrong result all together. The second thing was very poor diet from daily experience also I was not up for this level of constant stream of Challange. And it is hard for me to do the thing with less than perfection.

I learnt tremendous amount about myself in these 8/9 months. So why do I think I lost my way ? Specially mind is not calm enough to understand reality at the moment. I am somehow more focused on keeping myself busy than anything else. It’s like dirt all over my face. I can’t see.

I am completely unsure what I am doing right no or should be doing?

I am reading a lot of books. That’s about it. I am not exercising, doing proper meditation. I kind of hate doing job. In free time I am just searching senselessly about retreat, Amazon and whatnot . Very poor mental state

So I resigned from namshi. I was into bit of logistic this week. I just booked ticket for Delhi today. A sense of urgency creeps in. And with that process of progress trap kicked in. On the other hand I have no clue what to do now but I am not really worried. But i am feeling somewhat disturbed internally. I pull myself away from reading more of power and … and start to read autobiography of yogi. In a nutshell I am looking for clues I guess.

spirituality I am doing something like meditation these days :) really man I am just sitting. I can really use some calmness here. The hand is right on top of my face. I am not really operating from the wisdom angle.

work work was quite demanding. Specially working in team where depended on others work was not the best case scenarios. Also I am not very much into work. Although I can not help but work as well as I can.

health in the beginning of...

I am running around like a chicken without clear idea and priority. Specially since I resign it kind of fueled this. Ok so stop here and ask some question and get yourself back on track.

What should I do for the time here in Dubai.
The very essentials - finish logistic.

• send reimbursement form.
• ask how would I be getting paid for full and final statement.
• know when should I call bank and how to close my account there.
• book a ticket.
• know how much time at takes to cancel visa. And when I should book flight.
• pay. Your this month rent

Complete these things tomorrow or day after tomorrow at best.

Complete the prerequisite. Things I can do now which can ease up the process later.

• fix the Mac.
• get your appearance right because you will have to buy few things before you leave this time.
• get your physical health on prime, and mental in decency.
• create a basic version of one month...

I am in the state of confusion. Once I resigned from namshi. I am feeling a sense of urgency. And I am running around to feel the work is getting done.
I am restless. Momentarily I don’t have a compass or map.

It is understandable. The current state of mind in itself is poor. And if necessary go to red into white scene. I can not force it enough just meditate exercise and read.

See the problem with this state of mind is it kind of block wisdom.

So I resign today, I fumble to talk with Alex initially but finally told him things. Very honestly. He Was kind of shocked. But all in all it was easy. I am feeling. Heavy today. Maybe because yesterday I didn’t slept properly. It feels like I am coming out of 12 hours bus journey.

I am also feeling a bit lost. Really I am not sure what is happening around. In the total grip of mind. At this moment I absolutely have no solid idea what I should do from here. All I know is a new chapter has been started.

This is one of those things I like in myself. Capability to take and execute decision like this. At the. Moment I am having all kind of mix feeling. Just like a cocktail of emotions. But in the long run I will appreciate it a lot.

A unknown road is ahead. most probably not the easy one.

this sunday I will be giving my resignation from namshi and will be moving forward with my life. this conversation is not going to be particularly easy for me. so I should atleast write some honest reply for general query that would be coming from my team lead.

why I am resigning from namshi ?
to be honest I decided to this 3 months back. I was never this guy who wants to be team lead and all. when I move to dubai. my goal was primarily to look inside and solve my finances. I was excited about technological skill development. but It was not my primary focus. now when I have enough money and coming out of internal discoveries. I don’t see any point to work anymore.

beside It kills me to work 9-6. to exchange my hours with money. to exchange my freedom with money. specially when I know how valuable this is. I don’t see it as a default. I just don’t see any point in working anymore...

this was again a quick week. I was mainly hooked with this book The game. i read this whole book in weekdays which is around 400 pages. I also loved audible and kindle combo of reading books. interestingly I am getting more confident in social scenarios. I wrote a lot of post in journal about the teasing situation I found myself. and as a matter of fact. this sunday i will be resigning from namshi. a day I was waiting from sometime. and dedicate full time on myself. sleeping 2 oclock and waking 9:00.

spirituality - I do meditation everyday. which is turning more into sitting quite and still for 20 minutes. as like on explosion of every strong conditioned belief. I was feeling disappointment with rage. it was like but I was playing fair. the more I understand this social dynamics the more its ugly face comes forward. the illusion peoples are putting is dropping in front of my face...

it is getting clearer and clearer to me what is my next adventure. I am hooked with external reality. I guess all those events of social vanurablity and being robbed again and again is really showing there purpose.

So I started to read a lot of book on subject like power, game, hyponsis, manuplation and whatnot. And. The power of external matrix is start to come in the light. The delusion and all. But these topics are striring my soul if not corrupting. Yesterday I souted on the situation with my family where I usually handle with calm. I am angery at the hipocracy around me. The existence of humans. It is quit clearly reflecting the internal world. Chaos.

A constant thought of balancing it with compassion is in my mind. There is no doubt I am doing it and I have to do it. Just that constantly reflect on the price. Pay it but know it as well. May be this as well be just another one...

Time moving quite fast. Can’t really sure what I did this week, I read what’s every body is saying. Also read assertiveness workbook some parts. A bit of models. Getting back to my health. Yesterday I decided to do 1 month of routine in max30 and healthy food. Oh yaa I brought iPad and was quite busy playing with it.

sprituality continued meditation some time poor some time good. I thought of engaged in mundane task is circling in my head. Engaged more on social side. A bit more aware of what is happening near me. Reading more about it.

work this was challenging work week. Pairing with shidhin, discussion with david and meeting with ahyam. At the end of this week I will show them

health getting back, 3-½ session of max30 and 25. From yesterday I started to eat good.

family sometime it gets s bit challenging when they try superimpose their ideas of life and job on me. But I handled...