I am experiencing insanly low self will. directionless, planless, helplessly watching youtube video. I am also physically sick today. I am not able to focus on situation, I am not analysing. it is too hard to do that.

how did I get here, is it because of that goa trip, or is it the default I had to hit anyway. my estimations from self are rather ambitious.

I am feeling a bit unfit to take on any challange. situation is not going to change. you can take your time and go deeper in the rabit hole. and get more frustated. but nothing will change you will standing right here, on square one.

maybe after some time tide will be high and you will feel more motivated. and things will become a little easy but the field will be the same.

there isn’t any thing you can latch on. passive enagagement with knowledge isn’t going to help either.

a life like this can not be lived based on feeling...

there is only 2 major component to it. and seriousness is out of question.

food - know your food, take right amount and chew it right. drink 2+ ltr of water. that’s it. the only challanging part seems to be right amount of food ( and right type ) for the moment. but I can surely implement drink water, know your food and chew right. wake up in the morning, visualize it and focus on drinking right amount of water and chew it right. read about the food.

exercise - the first thing that pops in my mind is attending the yoga course. these t25 exercise and other home workout seems to be disbalancing my legs. indeed I will attend yoga course but it will take couple of months before I can do that. and I need something that I can do till that. alternativley cardioX seems like a nice option and yogaX also makes a good cut. so for this week just do it 3 times a week.

there is 2 folds of this domain. first is sanity and second is direct knowledge of reality.

the problem I am facing right now is in the practice of meditation, I am not really sure what I am doing. here I need to explore my options. kriya yoga seems like a wonderful option. also raja yoga, patanjali and zen could light the subject.

sanity - when I started to delude, I can not see things as they are, doesn’t mean the mistake is not allowed. but I am able to accept my parts. things maybe a bit out of hand but I am very aware of them. this is the bare minimum. if I have started to react on situations. it’s time to retreat. although there is pysic disturbance becuse of uncertinity ( that’s expected ). but regular disturbance because of ego is a clear sign of retreat.

an hour meditation is bare minimum to maintain this state.

direct knowledge - sanity is not enough. ( as a next step )...

the problem I am facing is, I am not really sure what I need to execute and what is the parameter, how to access and thresold. also the concreteness of the domain in my mind is not installed yet.

on the other hand I have succeeded to cut down my options tremedeously. beside spritiuality, sociality, health, there isn’t anything I am intereseted at the moment. besically understanding nature of reality.

so one clear thing I need to implement is to cut down all the noise first. if it is not really belongs to the wheel of reality. cut it loose. atleast for next few months. or decide an outlet time daily and weekly but the noise will not get the best out of me.

this wheel is not just something, I find most important thing in my life. but I am insanely drawn into it. it is one of those things that pulls me like gravity.

the another important aspect is the resistance is the reality. and not...

so I am sitting in a cafe. not really sure what to do. out of uncertinty I was thinking to read a book. so I can make a goal and achieve it. clearly this is not helpful.

what my current stratgy is, I somewhat know the domain I would like to work upon. with more knowledge I am able to create better experiments or take advantage of the natural serendipity. these exploration and experiments also works as peice of puzzles. which are helping me to reach closer to ultimate purpose. at the same time it needs to push you in the stage of sattava. where you have estaiblished yourself in the state of peace and harmony.

so besically you have only one or two choice for any given time. either you can execute a experiment ( if you can visualize it ). or you can gather more information to create one or brainstrom to solidfy the experiment.

so based on the will of time. and understanding of area...

I recently went to goa with some of my old friends. who has choosen a different path to live. and it is cheap. the pretends. I tried to bring many times the topics of understanding their actions. or have anykind of meaningful conversation. and all they care about dominating. a constant stream of judgements. while clearifing, not they but you are judging. both of them could not stand each other while projecting a cool persona of don’t give a fuck. making personal comments to each other. and all. revolving the world around them. they probably could not handle the emotional chaos, so they learn to spend most og thier time on trance. the buffer.

and they have absolutely no desire to change or improve. they have figured it out. withdraw from reality and stroke the ego.

one good angle was because they have a lot to prove. they were constantly trying to expose my weakness. challanging...

If you do anything beyond walking in the herd and trying to blend. the beast you face everyday, weekly and monthly is uncertinity. and it require constant polarizing. if you don’t do it. you are inviting chaos, vagueness. on the other end it pulls in the direction of progress trap.

the second important thing is visualize what you are about to do today. if you didn’t do it. execution is almost gaurenteed choatic. if you can’t visualize it at all ( in the terms of goal ). better not do it.

than there is this element of dipping. not everytask that you decide needs to be carried on because you decided ( specially the weekly/monthly sort o f plan). at one point you start to pivot or leave it all togther ( nature of experiment ). you need to have a clear meditation to figure it out.

there is serendipity, life some times through an interesting twist. listen to it. a lot of time besically...

this was a bit of roller coster week in terms of experience. I somewhat read 33 stratigies of war, fallinginto and NLP. I also moved my old posts to ipad. In anada I met larah and spent some time talking to her. at the last day I had some interesting talks with dharana about sankhya and his experiences of meditations. they gave me singing farewell. than moved to pune and had a road trip to goa a bit on the trance. we moved from calangute, avibom, arambol. getting a crashing place for a day in golden park. and spent next night in the beach. we spent a lot of time on beach hotels kind of place. talked. nonesense if not unnecessary.

spiritual sanity- I meditated more than an hour when I was in ananda. I was in a good mental state most of the time. although I am sensing a bit of egotistic raise in my awareness. another thing I am somewhat struggling with is, how to properly deal with...

you have figured out collecting money is not what people supposed to do. it would be like hiding in a cave for your whole life. you know that running behind fleeting passions and desires is the amaturish way of life. it is rooted in delusion and a trap for confusion and dissatifaction. the egoistic life of proving your self can only bring more suffering because by nature it is bottomless pit. the compassionate attempt to help others is a trap of ego unless you have worked tremendiously to root out all the impurties first. you can play power games for rest of your life to only regret in the end as it will pollute your own pysic.

all these are stratiges to live a good life. but isn’t it make sense to first spent some time to understand life. It would have been better if we knew we have no idea who we are and what we are doing. but somehow we think we understand this game. delusion. this...

an amazing and productive week in a long time. the setting of this place is allowing me to focus of things that matters and everything else is being taken care smoothly e.g. food, cleaning .. met with people like dharna, prashya, some strange people from mumbai. anada. damodar and his wife and ofcoure mama….

I started to get spiritual sanity like I can think now. working in dubai seems like a distant past. I meditated, gave some thoughts on the direction, came up with domains and subdomains I would like to work upon.

social reality is the dominating direction. and I am very energitically thinking about it.

I read bhagwat gita and 48 laws of power. polarity. I love sankya philosophy amazing books.

I am exerting a smooth will power. unnecessary distractions are sided. I didn’t use cellphone and internet this week.

I started to read and move my post to journal tool in my ipad.

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