I know I have some underdeveloped areas in my life. I know, some of the most important area of my life, needs to be developed as well. I am just doing my best to do that.

but what would you do in a long term. look I don’t really know. and if you look back you would see I never did. just keep putting one foot in front of another and we will see. and you know that life do throw opportunities, and ( only ) if you are ready, you can utilize them.

let me also tell you the long term goal. every step you are taking and every trial you are going through. is building you. is opening some areas. and you do have 30-40 working years. the sooner you get clear. the better it is in a long run.

the correct question is in any possible way, I am wasting my time by reading books. experimenting. I hardly think there would be any better use of time ( beside practicing ).

don’t forget there is another...

I am going through a process. I am feeling quite relaxed and and reading and writing. something about it feels right. and I can not see clearly where it is taking me. but it just feels right. that’s all I got.

I am quite prone to feel bad when something is slightly out of place. when something is not making sense. but in this case I am not feeling that bad and I have sort of social goal. but you know the energies are not coming out of that goal. I sincerely don’t care that much. or may be I do.

the question I am struggling with. is there a part of me who knows what is right or wrong. who knows what I suppose to do. and if it is there how does it communicate to me. how do I know this is the place where I need to put my anchors down. or is it just the logical exploration of observing what works and what not in the world. and choosing.

the default of anchors has to be on the ego. because...

I was busy this week in the goodest way possible. I was reading, meditating, walking, penetrating deeper. I called an old friend ashish, and the response was uneven. I am also somewhat shifting gear from social understanding to understanding the whole field. also I begin to think about why and what exactly I am looking for.

spiritual sanity - was very much in control, good amount of overall energy. I meditated around 1 hour morning and evening each. I am also finding analytical meditation quite helpful to make sense out of the world.

social reality - I read six pillar of self esteem. natural, influence. I also tried reading my voice will go with you, and huna way. I started to sketch out what I have read and meditate on that.

health - I am loosing grip on the eating right away and right amount little. taking a lot of walk, enhaling freash air. I should read becoming veg. someday.

I know how it feels to take refuge in social intelligence. looking around for peoples opinions on how to live. nobody has any clue. but they will all pretend to be doing good.

I know how it feels to take refuge in spirituality. the path. the ultimate truth or depth. the promise of nirvana. to reach the place of ultimate bliss. although the path to that is not really taking people there. it can not be reached with mindless following and egoistical understanding. or would you reach there by watching sensation and moving your energies in chakras. and what is this place where these people taking others. the container for fantasyland. nobody is arhat but they claim none the less there are other.

so that left me again in the jungle alone and on my own. the only thing you can trust is your intelligence. your meditation of reality. you are capable of logical thinking and remembering and that’s...

subtle is cause and gross is effect. and by very nature of it as we go deeper and deeper. there is less and less. and with every iteration of understanding depth comes sense of ease and confidence. you just understand the nature of things. a lot of time you are able to leave it, becuase it makes no sense. or you are able to see the stupidity of it. like a man sees a dog going round and round chasing his own tail. there is also a sense of satisfaction arises with what it is.

I believe this is what the yogis and intellactuals did. they went deeper and deeper until they found fundamental cause the conciousness and the play of nature. the trick here is you have to be relaxed in your quest. because at every step you can really grow, or get dilluded to believe that you are growing. it happens when you become greedy. effect is somewhat frustating and opposite. don’t underestimate the power of...

I know these 2 sessions are most important thing in the whole day. sometimes I even do 40mins in a session. but from last few days I am finding sort of lost. what I should be doing here.

reality graph. most important thing right now or even for this whole month is to work on this graph. so one clear thing I need to be able to do is visualize it. another thing is I need to run one scenario external and internal on the graph. now the problem here is it doesn’t fit or justify the whole scenario and it feels bad to be struggling this way. a bit of cognitive strain. in all the reality this is exactly what you want.

book review. I am pretty much reading some concept everyday. and I have to draw those concept on reality graph. and run it over some memory to see if they make sense. again this is somewhat more cognitively demanding job. and reading is quite easy and fun. this has to be done...

system 1 ( child ) - in one nice sunny day as you went out of walk, system 1 is constantly trying to keep the mental model ( it’s own version) of the world in check, now stranger says hello to you. you don’t know this person. so you get surprised. now system 1 job is to make sense and fit this person into the world. so it will try to run the associative engine of it’s. from the body language ( if you are not shut down with fear ) to every word that is being said. with every word it is trying to jump to the conclusion to make a coherent story and any ambiguity will be resolved in the favor of initial impression. every word has a primal effect. it believe everything. based on these feeling or familiarity interpretation, it will keep suggesting actions to system2. who is super lazy and want to listen to any feeling based suggestion. the power of system 2 is. it has the final call. you...

I got the room and it is amazing. I believe I am doing this 1 month study + meditation retreat. it feels like metalist time. I walked around in rakkar. tried different cafes and check their mandala. I am reading but I wish I could read and comprehend more. I like the place, I like the calmness, I can work here. the 3 domains is all that seems to matter. I skteched some goals and sort of direction in all 3. and ofcourse soical being dominating. sometime I overwhlemed thinking to do everything in a day or month. but I have a lot of time around 40-50 years, almost twice as much you have lived so far. and I am walking with pretty good speed. keep your focus on project house december. the way you live last week, if you continue doing that, you will see everything there is to see on earth and will die with smile on your face. oh and I learn to make tea ( the awesome one ).

spirtual sanity-...

in the turkey world if a chick makes cheep-cheep sound. it’s mother will care for it. if not mother will ignore. interestingly when a stuffed polecat with recorded cheep-cheep sound approached mother turkey not only accepted it but gather it underneath her. this is called fixed action pattern and it fundamentally occurs in same sequence. it is like pattern were recorded on tape. situation calls for courtship. the courtship tape get played. note it’s not the whole thing, but some trigger feature.

the trigger feature that activate them can dupe us into playing them at wrong time. for example when we ask someone to do us a favor we will be more successful if we provide a reason. and the trigger here is because. and generate automatic compliance response.

there is a strong but sad parallel in the human jungle. and our automatic tape usually develop from psychological stereotypes.

the...

this makes sense. a chorent map based on your experential knowledge and understanding, something that you can constantly update based on experience. a kind of a area where you know what is safe. what has been conquered and where you need to march. and mesuremnet of growth is the area you have explored.

a place where mind and heart, system1 and system2, conscious and subconcious mind can agree upon and are not in conflict.

so how do you built one of these. where you start. indeed whatever you have figured out so far in life start from there ( logically this makes sense ). 2 regular analytical meditation is fundamentally for this.

the best and correct way of it is, I can get the data either by reading or engaging the world and by observing. in the meditation I will use that data to build this map. the most beneficial approach would be to see if you are inclined to read a perticular...