Q - should I keep reading more or should I implement things I have read first - It feels naturally good to me to know the whole field before jump in. it also feel exciting to read new material. and a bit frustrating to implement what you have learnt, reality usually challenges the perfect image of assumption. and who wants to feel bad. than there is the progress trap. you are feeling that you are making progress but in reality. you are not. these concept are fleeting images.

on the other hand the more knowledge you have the better you are equipped to craft the right path. so the more finer question would be what are the things that I am 100% sure and confident that I need to implement, and create the ritual for them first. because just reading is a blocking model. while from tomorrow the most of the life ( practice ground ) happens on the office and all where I can actually practice...

Q- should I go for a dance class or should I read more about this whole game.
A- so there is no doubt that I am moving in this direction and this will be the area of focus till I see it from inside. basically I am going in direction where I suck the most and fear the most. wonder I fear because I suck in it. understanding social dynamics and establishing myself authentically in it. and understanding the psychology of women and being authentically comfortable around it.

so what should I do. naturally the most obvious thing for me to do is, to understand this dynamics first. theoretically by reading book and all and than go all in, the problem is I usually tend to lean on it quite longer than it suppose to be. and than the other way around is just go and do it. the problem here is it creates negative experiences. which again is not so cool.

the answer is obviously some where in between...

this is clearly going to be my focus for sometimes to come. this is affecting everything and most under looked, poorer area of my life. so I put my ego aside and started to read this book the dating playbook for men. and this has to be one of those book I read faster than anything. I could hardly sleep last night. the gross level of framework.

ground yourself - the trick is self knowledge here, pretty much foundational step for anything. the grounded man respect himself, respect other and respected by other. and offer instead of taking value. he knows what he want in life sort of guy. no body likes a man when he is trying to get something from them. you got to have something more important than women in your life. and that is a big turn on.

grounded man is man of action, confident direct and clear in his wants and intention. he doesn’t need a women he wants a women. the man who is...

do I need to say, the quality of life is quite proportionate to quality of mind. and I can clearly notice, the dullness I am developing in my mind. I am a software engineer. fundamentally my job is to solve puzzle. the complex puzzles. and I wonder why I am not enjoying my job. this is clearly a foundational area that needs to be worked upon.

I am doing very poisonous thing here. I have associated my capability to solve problem with my self image. so If I struggle in it. I feel like failing.

I was quite good in math. atleast best in my class. pretty good chess player as well. ( may be because of social image thing ) but I let this capability of mine became dull. and it is effecting me seriously.

I need to get this thing polished and this will be one thing I will introduce this week.

this is something I handle most unskillfully. and this is more often than not a default specially in these years, so I don’t know what I am doing today. I don’t have a clarity, even intellectually. may be because of that turmoil inside. whatever but I lost the why today. what should I do now !, there is no emotional power behind. in general what I do is run away and watch youtube.

the best possible thing is if I can identify the questions. in that case I think it is possible to answer them.

and if I just feel confused but not really able to pin point why. that means I don’t have enough information. take actions get more data. read or do. or if it is extreme thing. just let the emotion pass. you need to have a pipeline of actions upfront for this. otherwise in the confusing state it is very very hard to figure out what action.

see the confusion is going to happen a lot. if you are...

there are few things that are contributing a lot of unease and disharmony in my life. unconsciously they are hurting my dignity, integrity and creating inner turmoil. all because I never considered it as a problem worth looking at and make a geniune effort. and also fear.

assertiveness - I am not talking about humiliating someone. I am talking about asserting yourself as man. a leader. not like a defensive pussy I have become. yes it is true. I am insanely defensive when I talk to someone specially my colleagues these days like they will hurt me. I let people with far less knowledge and understanding run all over me. and it has cost me a lot on every front.

on the other hand I have always done a job of true leader. forging my paths, taking risks, going out alone in the unknown. showing up and leading when things are messy. I am not asking to display it. humility is great. but ask the...

this was the week where I was kind of getting back towards explorer mode. it was sluggishly clear to me, I had to explore the social side of world. I clearly lack many qualities. which hurting me on almost every aspect of my life. and it’s not pretty to look at these things and even just accepting them.
I was confused with what to do now. and I started to try few things. like went out with hrishi for drinks than I start reading this book called playbook for men. and I was quite happily surprised with spiritual band of the book. I was also looking for more social activities like dance and I think I will start that soon.

spirituality - I finished this book freedom from the known and it was quite a book. I did meditation, last day of the week it was 15-15min. otherwise I think it was good. I can also keep noticing noise in my head in sessions. I think I am also moving away from traditional...

let me get some of the questions/doubt/confusion out of head to the screen.

Q1. I am not enjoying my work at all. infect I kind of hate it, why ?
A: I guess there is multiple angle to it. the grand daddy is I don’t have any reason or drive to be good at it. I don’t have any enthusiasm, emotion or passion to be good at. my heart is not into it. it is becoming the thing I purely do for money at the moment.

the second thing is, it is challenging, I don’t understand all the thing I do, the system is quite big and complex. I am pretty much struggling all the time.

the third thing is poor analytical skill. the very foundation of programming is solving complex puzzle. and somehow I developed a bit of run away from it quality.

there is two way to live life. one is thoughtless pleasure oriented, muddy mirage. the promise is, If you don’t look at the rotten stinky wound. it will not hurt as much. an inattentively confused life is a constant pain. this is the worse possible way to live the life. but it is the easiest one also. eat fries, watch porn, do intellectual talks, waste it away. stuck, moving downward and utterly dissatisfactory…

than there is comparatively much harder way to live life, by choice. look into your own rottenness, accept it, work on it. constantly move forward. mold it design it. don’t get stuck. the promise here is freedom. and god knows what you will find along the way. but the one thing I am sure, there is an extreme satisfaction. you lived it minute by minute.

move beyond the things where you are stuck, make sure you know the answer of the current questions in your mind. know the...

I am going nuts here. I feel like I can’t do it anymore. and I am pretty blank on what to do next. last couple of weeks I behave insanely wisdomless. attention-less, all the time I am feeling all other people must be thinking I am such a fool. my image of myself in my mind is shattering. hopelessness is thriving. I want to take action but don’t want to answer why. I am seriously afraid of answers. I am crying inside.

there is this cheap comfort in easiness, not putting effort. really do you think you can do anything logically with this state of mind ! there was this big hope and trust on the path of meditation, where I really believed I can live in the place of complete reality and will not feel any fear or social discomfort. but I am not sure I can do that without going through my fears first. or I don’t know what to call this thing “discomfort”.

I am talking to people with absolute...