this small week, I was not really sure about what I am doing. I was getting out of the last weeks vacations, almost everything was disturbed. no exercise, not engaged in work, very poorly did meditation. ramadan was providing some challenges as well and I was making soulless plan for exit.

spirituality - I was still feeling quite hatred towards certain people. despising people around me, not so happy inside atleast at workplace. entertaining all the afflictions, out of control. I was trying to read book, trying to write, search and whatnot but really not feeling very inspiring. yesterday I decide to go a bit step by step. first lets include health and routine. if I could do something else good, If I could not, it’s ok. but focus on integrating health this week. once I am calm and composed than only it makes sense to think more serious stuff.

health - last week was chaotic. no exercise...

life represent a different flavor each day. some time I am in the mood of conquering the word. some time quite kind. sometime low self esteem. sometimes very agitated. sometime lonely. sometime gratitude. and I expect myself to carry with similarly high standard all the time. it is when I am very agitated I do future planning. it is when I calm I do meditation.

knowing the flavor of the day, and choosing the right action that could push me in the correct direction a little further is all I need to do. not making huge planes and stuff. make huge plans when you are calm and composed.

for example at the moment I have not worked out from last 3 weeks. not waking up in the morning, eating really bad food. and thinking I should learn technical stuff, plan this and that. useless. the focus should be on how can I get into my sanity zone first. forget everything else. how can I make tomorrow a...

this would a small sprint. but lets make it count.

technology - I would focus more on react and es6 for this week. so I could be more comfortable with my current project.

health - I need to make sure I am waking up at the right time, reading vipassana book and practicing 40mins morning and evening meditation.

outwardo - I need to start with building basic ritual and should pay more attention to my clothes.

after 3 months I will be leaving dubai and going footloose again. so I better make this time count and use this stable sandbox properly.

*technology - * after working here, I have opened some new windows. where I can peak the other side. and a very likely refuge when things go a bit chaotic would be technology. so one thing I could do in these months is to go as far as I can go in technology. mentoring, presenting and starting up.
building analytical skillset could be another exploring vertical. building classpodium end to end would also be an awesome idea.

explore outward world - another aspect I can potentially explore would be cleaning up my outward bushes . It could be a tricky line between feeding ego and exploring outwardly.

work on health - the physical health is easy to practice, but the mental health is more of subtle game. learn to do it right. because a lot of it is going...

at the moment and from last few weeks life is running in autonomous fashion, this post is an attempt to realign thoughts and plan.

health -
morning exercise routine will be start from tomorrow. for the first week i can start with my normal familiar t25 routine. for the food. till ramadan it make sense to have a breakfast at home order at the afternoon and have some food at the night. I can build on top of it next week.

meditation -
morning ritual of waking up at 6 needs to be back. and I need to do 2 session of 1 hour vipassana everyday.

other skills -
I feel like I was so dependently involved in my introverted life. that I kind of put myself in denial of any extroverted activity. the impure, unauthentic stuff. and if I could figure out the depth of internal life. everything will fall into place. but even enlightenment can not teach how to swim. it is something that needs to be...

the instructions was so simple. the promise was magnificent. and doing it right was delicately spartan. all one has to do is watch the sensation on body as an observer and maintain an equanimous attitude towards them. what it will do !, it will train your subconscious mind and cure its deluded state of being. unlike samatha the important point to note is “it is a cure”. which has a potential to eradicate afflictions from the very roots.

in the first 3 days i was able to arouse good enough clearity and was able to feel sensation of the breath on the entrance of nostril. and around nose and upper lips. although I was expecting from last retreat. that I could zoom the upper lips (which is something i was able to do last time). I was in quite respectable condition, I start to feel a bit bored at the end of the 3rd day of anapana. although very essence of being in samatha while doing it...

this is the second time I did this 10/11 days retreat. and it was quite intense experience. I went to the place by bus, while having some amazing chat with Dr. barbara ( a charming old lady ) and watching kick movie. I was quite surprised to hear her life story.

after registration I was quite disheartened with the accommodation. there is no doubt my ego had grown and was not accepting anything below a level. room was quite dusty I could not breath properly, there was space for 3 people. bedding was very unhygienic. I knew I would not be able to live there for the retreat. so I went to people who assigned me that room and asked if they can do anything about it. In the mind was making plan to go to some place above in the mountain and take a room and do my own retreat. luckily they assigned me space in guest house with 3 beds but quite hygienic I was quite happy. so I stay and retreat...

phhhhhw, it is good to be able to breath. last couple of weeks were certainly comfort breaker. a nice tingling family time. and than vipassana retreat ( which deserve a separate post for sure ). had some chat with sohail which was quite different. at the moment I feel quite alive and ready for life right now. I had this expectation after this I would know what to do and have sharp clarity. but to be honest I didn’t really get time to collect all the thoughts and decide, although vipassana bubbled up a lot of emotions and options. I had some amazing conversation in bus with peoples.

spirituality - a big roller coster happened here. I was going up and down with I should do this and that. a good reset for meditation practices. I was quite thrilled to see vipassana approaching the exact problem I have. another aspiration/desperation around enhancing my extrovert layout was clear.

health...

totally distracted, I am not enjoying my work. there isn’t much work to do. and in the free time I am listing to buddhist talks ( even though I know all the thing ) until my ears start to hurt. how else I can pass my time. finally long awaited 2 weeks vacation and vipassana retreat is here. I am leaving to india tonight.

spirituality - doing minimum viable meditations, I am sure I have been side tracked. a doubt was there regarding what if I got this thing wrong. identifying with all the wrong thing. very spirit to live the life was missing.
what’s with this conditioning of me. where I am choosing, just choosing the wrong things. I don’t have to identify with ( what i am currently feeling ) but I choose to do. it gets quite hard when things are confusing and purpose is fading.

work - the most confusing area is this. neither I am doing good to myself nor to company.

health - 2 days...

it’s quite clear from last few days, in my conversation. I am constantly evaluating ( it’s like I don’t want more damage. ) myself based on what other people think about me. I feel really bad hanging out with certain clusters. and trying to impress other group.

I have been side tracked I guess. I am confused. this experiment of not doing anything, is pulling me in the wrong direction.