First you need to decide the direction based on the fact and truth, the second is to replace the backward conditioning with truth and fact.

What triggered it, You can easily get into the state of mind, where you think everything is under control, you still have all these things that triggers all these shortcomings.

Last year I was year confident in general. especially when I was doing videos and looking for a girlfriend. Then first I was hit by the video thing is not working, then house crisis, coming back to Lin, dead-end zone, survival instinct, coming to mountblue…

Few shortcoming is being triggered at the moment, one was I am in the foreign env. so there is going to be some conflicts though. so the best way to see what is triggering it is to see what thoughts are making your uncomfortable and you can work your way through.

Till yesterday state of mind was defensive, little switch and it became optimistic to the point of dancing in the rain. She clearly felt it.

The process of being defensive is to try something and didn’t hit the mark and then translate it as I am not good enough. Or some weakness is coming out of old conditioning and take it as I am not good enough.

When you are defensive so much energy goes to protect yourself, the more you try to protect yourself, the more intense it becomes, it is a cycle.

Behind every thought there is a desire, the intense the emotion the deeper the desire. The desires are layered.

With awareness and will power you can actually replace all the misunderstanding, you need right understanding based on fact and truth.

And the second thing you can have a direction in life, and see if you can utilise all the opportunities to move forward in that direction.

Last few weeks I was acting as weakling, indecisive, dependent, defensive, instead of giving the opinions trying to protect myself. Floating. Instead of accepting the shortcoming defending them. Feeling hesitant to express myself. and it is as if I am adding on it.

Not only I am not utilising the incredible opportunity given to me, One I am wasting time, and then I am becoming more weaker.

So what happened.

One is I made some mistake and I took it personally and I am trying so hard to justify myself, afraid of others judgement. I am trying so hard to justify my reputation, unable to laugh on myself.

I am not feeling comfortable making mistake. The mistake I made was one I took it lightly and I acted based on assumptions rather than data. I was over confident, the path of action I chose I was poor.

So here was the challenge. I needed to teach these kids. I needed to learn...

Spirituality:

• Know the truth. Write down whatever you know is unchallenged in the sense of the truth. And verify them.

Work:

• Learn and do the devops.
  • deploy on ec2
  • deploy using elastic beans-stack.
  • Load balance.
  • Docker
  • Kubernates on aws.
• Teach React.

Relationships:

• Being in relationship vs not being in relationship.

Health:

• Start the Mind.fit.

The investigation of the truth begins, I spent morning I start understanding the truth. through out the week mind was somewhat little negative. The mind was worried about very petty stuffs, mostly the challenges I faced were I attempted something with half the skill and learning myself at the name of teaching, and then comparing the result as if I was focused on the teaching. and then kind of constantly feeling afraid of being caught, one thing after another was hitting my soft spots and challenging my self image. in the lack of clarity I was taking things personally and suffering. I didn’t know either what to do.

I learned a lot about devops this week. and next week I will focus on teaching that next week.

The challenging spot really is the relationship and mind.

In the larger scheme of work. You need money to live in the world and there is a minimum amount you need to have to even survive.

The way to make money is to bring value to other people life and being able to charge for it.

You can start there and verify if it is truth and then add another layer on top of it.

Internal -
First you need to know the truth. The truth you can know first is your own mind, awareness and self. Just know the truth and verify it over and over again. From here you can see what is the possibilities. Ofcourse health too come into this category.

External -
The relaionship and work are external aspect. There are certain basic truth of it as well. If you hit the survival streak, you will start to suffer.

How can I know the truth and how do I build the lies. Before that what kind of truth you wanna know. The self is deeper than mind, and the mind is deeper than world.

If I continue the four domains.

I wanna know the truth about the mind first. then I wanna know the truth about relationships, then I wanna know the truth about the work. and health.

To know the truth about my mind and myself, I can do this with awareness, I can verify the truth that other people found. and once you know the truth how can you practice it?

So the question what can be done now. Life is getting out of balance, The relationship with lin is almost at the verge of end, relationship with mom or any other friend is not strong, I am not feeling perticularly excited about the job, and will leave at the end of the course.

My state of mind is unclear everything seems to be the part of the mind, what else is there I don’t know.

I will not waste a single moment, these opportunities will not be wasted. you know some degree of truth and you can start working with that.

Let the life do it’s thing and in the middle of that I will build the structure of truth.