Last week I spent a lot of time playing with Lin, hugs, kisses, sex and fantasy play. How does that affect my mind.

Maybe it was because of lack of sleep, new routine or maybe because of all that intimacy. I felt a lack of strong drive and sharpness of mind. It didn’t felt as much concentrated.

I am certainly not thinking about the sex and moments while I am working I noticed mind thought more about conversation with J than any sex related thought.

I also didn’t think about the fantasies while having sex. Although when I played the fantasies instead of being satisfied mind started to increase the ante.

There are self judgement but they are related to being kind of lazy and not doing what I am saying. Rather than sex.

There is a kind of looseness but I am not sure how much it has to do with sex and relationship.

This is one of the pricipets from Buddha, Niyama by Patanjali, Mahatma Gandhi recommends this, Benjamin frankline recommands this, napolian hill puts a whole chapter on this. This is important. Every other precepts I am following but his one.

At this point in time I am actually exploring sex. Experiencing it. With the experience and awareness I can develop the clarity in this crucial aspect of life. With the experience like alcohol I can leave it altogether or find it right place. Every time I bhog this, I am actually reencouraging this.

The more I want it the weaker I becomes, today Lin told me I have more self decipline than you, and she is right, I am constantly asking and this ask is increasing. Not to understand but to experience it more. And that increases the desire.

It is so much on display that it is hard to miss, almost everything that is being spoken, or being shown is...

Yesterday, I did a fantasy play with in Lin. Something I had in my mind. But then today as I was mediataing, mind start to go further. And imagine next fantasy more aggressive.

This is just the nature of the mind, you complete one desire the next more intense desire will take its place. There is no end to it.

There is something happens with experience you may start to see it more clearly,

This has happened before as I was out of the Vipassana and moved to brother house and he was showing me his success in YouTube. Mind started competing and wishing they would fail.

Today he called and weakly the same pattern. Same with saymus child. A similar action is when I averse watching brothers video.

It is the part of conditioning, it is not everyone’s nature though, Lin doesn’t do it, brother don’t do it. And it is automatic trigger. It happed with J too. It doesn’t happens all the time.

The good part is I always acted with intellegence even though in my haed I was competing, in action I helped him, and saymus child.

The solution is to observe when this happens, knowing this is happening and then act like you care with compassion.

In long term as your ego will disolve and start to be stabilized in self, it will happen by itself.

Today I went to store to buy the hair product and mind felt biologically tensed up, then bounce and then tasty Khama with Lin. One element was being tensed up and another was caring about others approval. and they are reciprocal and triggering each other followed by a kind of self judgement and being annoyed and irritated by people near me. Yesterday it was on high at carrots and tea trail.

The whole morning was completely relishing on the thoughts on performance and praise from yesterday. And it created this sense of fear of rejection. Inevitable and Interesting cycle.

You can observe and take lightly when “you are doing good socially”. If you took it on heart, a fear of social rejection willl come.

Stay close to truth admit what other person is saying right or wrong, correct when they are praising which is not correct. Play and express the life, and then leave it, don’t think you...

work - I am strongly self suggesting need| skill| communication model. With meaning of the work and opportunity. I am researching the need and skill. And seeing this happening in everyday. And I did one day Vipassana course.

social - I am thinking through the process of selfles-service project. Living optimally and building relationship with Lin, and read the crucial conversation.

spiritual - my morning routine is tight, doing Vipassana, and meditating on yoga sutra. And went through 9 principle Upanishad.

health - I followed and made the yoga routine interesting in the morning, learn to cook few more meal. And sleep in a way that it refreshes me perfectly.

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*The decisions - *

Sunday I will go for the Vipassana. The stimulation is kind of too much, also threre is also a lot of pleasant feelings and they can potentially unbalance me, and as the main task is more of a thinking, it...

work -

• inject the meaning of work. need | skill | communication. Opportnity.
• research need.
• research skill.

social -

• selfless project.
• crucial conversation.
• managing relationship with Lin.

spirituality -

• 9 principle Upanishad.
• yoga sutra ( contemplation )
• tightening the daily routine.
• 1 day Vipassana course.

health -

• cooking.
• sleep management
• yoga in morning.

Work -

• work | options
• the element of business | structure of it.
• two options
• why of work
• need | skill | communication
• need | understanding need.
• skill
• communication
• interest
• with and without the seed of desire
• desire based on understanding
• the whole nine yard of desire.
• Tap | Danna | Yagya
• opportunity of Prakriti
• emotions
• satisfaction and meaning.
  • interest
  • meaning of the work.

spiriutality -

• roughly implemented the daily routine
• Upanishad. 108 and outline of nine.
• yoga sutra
• vidur neeti.
• learning of the day
  • negative stream
  • the chain of lies
  • defusing the tension in relationship
  • blockage
  • dependent parents
  • the perfectly tuned string.

social -

• moving in with Lin.
• 7 pricnples drawing.

health -

• morning yoga
• cooking - poha, aloo capsicum, aloo matar, chatney. Challenge of sleeping.

I want to do some kind of work which is completely de-void of any thought of self interest. The purpose is to move away from self-centered ness.

this has to be founded someone’s need where I can geniuinely help in some way, and other person can benefit from it.

The other person may decide to throw away any help that is being offered. Or very well be very unappriciative. Start taking advantage. Or may be appreciate. This is not the criteria. But did it helped him.

I don’t want any thing for me, no marketing, website name mention, finding partner. everything has to be about the need of other person.

There is different degree of people. You can serve at Vipassana center. It will help people, and people are not going to be abusive. You can help in jail and it is guaranteed people will be very unappreciative. You may want to consider gradual calibration.

The seed and watering phases it...

Couple of days back I pushed a little in terms of work, and I feel it created a bit of the debt in the morning, I woke up and was feeling a bit overspent. And wanted to sleep in the morning and did that. I worked but with lowered intensity. I could force myself but a part of me kind of believe that I might overspent and create unbalance.

For tomorrow I feel ready. So continue the same routine. With tight string.

There comes the time in the evening when I know I am pushing further, I need to take break but then mind takes advantage.

Find and know the balance and keep the string tuned and tight.