In the morning there is a freshness, alertness, it is easy to concentrate. voice is quiet and body is loose, there is ease. comprehension is strong.

environment seems to effect this dynamics. or atleast I believe it. the second half of BAL vs. cuppa.

repetition seems to produce dullness, two months in innoveight. I don’t feel very excited to go there.

In the evening I used to feel drained. a sort of aversion to focus.

after couple of week of intensity there is a week of low intensity week, confusion.

I believe the chai somehow renew the focus.

after yoga in the evening I feel renewed.

sleep totally affect the focus, there is lethargy and dullness with not enough sleep. sleep brings the freshness.

bathing also seems to renew the focus.

food also affect it, after lunch there is understanding that I i will feel lethargy. after couple of chai it feels irritated.

pleasent weather...

on paper.

who is getting annoyed after bad haircut, who is getting tired after some work, who feels insecure when asking for tissues, who felt angry when kavita responded badly, who wants to make good impression, who wants to be liberated. who wants to make body healthy.

prachi’s action of me and mine. mom’s getting angry and shouting when soemeone point a fault, ramlakhan trying hard to win acceptance. Me justifying to make sure I am right in my mind. me making sure my impression is right in front of people, who is this me?

who is learning and who has all these desires. who is making other wrong and myself right, who is judging, who feels uncomfortable doing things around other people.

when there is total absorption there is no I. when I was kissing lin there is no I. when I am having deep conversation there is no I, and time seems to collapse.

when I accomplish something or other people...

There is increasing sense of awareness of my reflexes when I am experincing low self worth and confusion at one level I know my reactions will be of defensive types and proving. I know when it is angry.

There is a voice that gets angery and I can see it as third person, I still feel very strong urge to continue, and it takes a bit of the effort to just sit down and let it pass. I have done it many times though, sitting in the Ranga Shankar.

Many times I am aware at the moment I am making a move that according the standard I have is not up to the mark, and ofcourse there is self judgement follow after it. Taking more tissues.

While sitting in the vipassana I also observe the acceptance talk, sexual fantasy, calling lin. Should have said that…

In one way I am loosing interest and belief in all that takes place in my mind. most of the time an event occurs. Can I have more tissues. There...

Desire has a force, a pull and it moves me in a direction. Wether it is coming as attraction towards that girl in front of me. Desire to harsh reply, or going to Lin house.

There are sense desires, pizza, view from illirtate, music, touch of the train, smell of lin. The food and view seems to be prominent sometime.

There is sexual desire, when I wake up and imagin some fantasy. There is desire of domination and submission.

There is a desire of acceptance and impressing other people. Making a good impression on others.

The paradox is when desire something, I become more conscious and less capable and when I don’t it is far more easier. Meeting J with an expectation to impress her, vs just meeting her. This expectation arises when I am feeling less self confident.

There is desire of not being taken advantage, and then there is a desire to help other people.

These things I have consider truth. I need cafes to work, I should be comfatably talk to the person next to me.

When belief matches with the action I feel at ease, even proud. And if it doesn’t i try to refix it in the mind. When I am acting according to my beliefs even the situation is opposite I consider it more productive. Like sitting in noisy cafe is somehow more productive than sitting in a quiet homely place.

These beliefs are very changable. Before I used to think being good programmer is everything and now, being a good communicator and orchestrator is much more important. He is trying to show-off, he is looking for acceptance.

Without knowledge and experince beliefs are just assumptions. Although it does feel like a very strong reality. Knowledge which is either other peoples experince or assumption, helps to make senes out of it, set the right understanding. Experince is...

There is observing the breath. Observing the sensations. And then just seeing what mind is doing. Then there is hijacking.

I am actually far more aware of what is happening inside me.

When there is no clear intention I just end up sitting.

Having a fixed goal and knowing that is worth pursuing gives the clarity and firmness of the direction. That kind of goal chasing is very intoxicating and it feels meaningful, accomplished and confident. Like knowing that i need to build the GitHub Profile, understanding social, executing video.

Sometime I know what is important but I haven’t arrived to the point where it can felt and execute. This is linear process. Metainsight, relationship with lin,

Sometime it is just clear what I need to do, four domains, github profile, social, mediation. I just know and there is no doubt in my mind. And I am confident in the path.

Something makes sense and I agree [ experiment with life ], sometime I intuitively know but then I hussel and try to understand and it becomes clear [. Four domain, ], sometime life throw something which is a perfect match [ meditations ], sometime pain of a certain...

From the time I wake up there is constant and ever changing voice. The voice also has physical component. And it is very changing. It easily fills the empty space.

What voice say will feel good, actually doesn’t. For example sexual fantasy. In the realm of the internal world it arouses me but in the realm of reality it even frustrate it. The interesting thing is while I am doing in the reality, I am still imagining the stuff to arouse myself.

The voice is different and at the time of effect the voice is different.

It is uncontrolled or the by product, it subsided when I am focused.

It feels fearful and afraid and ask to do certain things to make sure it feels ok. Things like ask for salt, if I don’t that means I lack confidence, if I do it kind of feel ok.

When I follow what it says, It only gets into the deeper dissatisfactory hole.

It likes to take credit and build the self...

I will focus on

• recalibrate
  • reintregation of what I learnt in last 2 years.
  • taking advantage of leverage points.
  • recalibrate all 4 domains.
  • clear calibrated goals on top of it.
• clear bussiness idea and start implementing it.
• yoga TTC.
• contemplating on other option.

Budget - 25K.

Place -
Option 1 - stay at dharamkot till 10. And then heeru until next month.
Option 2 - stay at dharamkot for next one month [ finish it in a month and then decide. ]. Or even two.
Option 3 - rakkar till 10 and then go to dharamkot or heeru. Also check the orange house.