What I call people is nothing but bundle of beliefs with attachements to them, a sens of I with self image, selfishness and self expression. Chasing images, people, places, food. The defination of people are changing based on my understanding of myself.

In the relationship with mom. She wants to take care of me, she wants to make food, wash clothes, make me comfortable. She shouts and try to seduce me to do things that she wants me to do, getting married and all. Then she always wants me to come home.

My father seems to be happy seeing me atleast last time. He feels happy when I give him money, even try to impress me by showing me how he spend so much money on vegetables and all. He could be selfish and withdraw given the situation. He wants to impress other people as well.

Prachi seems to oscillate in her zone as well. She has her own selfish and egoistic side where she could be rude...

There is a strong attachment to the way I look, any pimple on forehead or fading hairline. They bother me. A wrong hairstyle gives the dropping sensation.

I find people attractive based on their appearances. For example everything about Vidhi other than the way she dressed is unattractive, focus on negatives, smoking, anxious…. still she seems to override my preferences at least on the short term. I hate when someone is wearing Bindu.

The way I dress affect other people judgment about me, it affect my judgement about other people, although not on a major scale. But it does

It bothers me to not have Fabindia fashwash | body wash and all. I am comfortable of not washing my face and wearing holed tshists in vipassana retreat.

There is certain clothes and way’s express me really well.

If you have to present yourself why not present in most dignified way.

There is fundamentally two point of origin of actions. Sharing Prachi making a lot of food vs. taking why are you not giving us money.

When someone is sharing or being authentic everything is at ease, when someone is self centerd and even dominating, trying to impress it doesn’t;t feel good.

I liked when snow line guy recognised me and asked how am I. I didn’t like when common ground girl seems to not recognised or doesn’t seems very happy seeing me.

I didn’t like when Prachi verbally talked in bad tone. I like when Lin cutely told me I am very international.

I love when I made a good impression in headstand | yoga. I didn’t like when that isrialian girl scold me in the class.

I like when someone is interested in me that delhi guy in anada retreat I feel good, when someone is rolling her eyes, sixen for a minute, it feels bad.

Raveendran and Akhil trying to impress me.

There are thoughts of dominating Lin, and other intimate thoughts with her kissing on the door.

There is reframe of situations to make better impression, Bhagwat Gita Satvik after an year, it is still in my mind.

There is a strong thoughts to show and impress other by my knowledge, yesterday I learnt about affirmation, and a river of thoughts about explaining this to others.

There are thoughts of pulling support out when someone didn’t act as expected, Subhash delaying time of food by an hour. Or someone did a second class job.

There are thoughts of judgement when I see someone, what he is thinking and all, a person sitting in front of me eating and reading book, few girls sit next to him and in my mind. He is so uncomfortable.

There is anger when someone disrespected me, Prachi, lung ta. And appreciation when someone cared.

There are thoughts of not unpleasing someone. If I eat...

Fundamentally there is only few types or states and their expected behaviours. All | most of these states can be accessed inside myself.

self importance | controller | aggressive - I don’t give a fuck about anything other than myself. Me at the time of railway station. Prachi’s cutting me of the puja, Akhil’s self importance, there is so many ways it expresses it self.

self deprecation | compliant | passive - I have such a poor idea of myself that I don’t think I deserve, get out of the way, withdraw, not taking any reponsiblity, looking at other and doing that. Not being able to ask what they want. Me at the time of cricket, leaving namshi. Jitander [innov8], Sohail while doing all these magazine work for free. Lin at some level maybe cooking in the morning.

manuplative | passive aggrasive - trying to get their way without taking the responsibility. This normally everybody does when...

Social code - There is discomfort in breaking the current social code, when meeting someone talking to them, in Alex wedding wearing the required clothes. Not knowing the social code, should I look at someone !! Creates the unease.

Bi-directional beliefs - there is things that I think is right on the level of beliefs, if you are together, you should be serious. If you are in a cafe you should do the fair deal. When I or someone else violet them then it feels wrong.

negotiating and asking - asking something that you have asked and someone haven’t provide, asking over and over feel bad.

obligation - a relationship comes with obligation, feeling the weight of those obligations I will have to go the wedding, or home feels bad.

When I want someone and someone else is talking to her it feels bad.

Accptance | Rejection - respect | disrespect. verbal | non-verbal. In the mind I try to impress everyone all the time. Giving them advice. Proving them wrong. Correcting them. This takes so much space in my mind. In reality I feel good when someone likes me, accept me, aprasie me. I don’t like it when someone didn’t get happy seeing me. There are many types of acceptance and rejection. conversation with someone who share the same belief system. When someone praise you.

Winning - there is a compatitive happiness, I feel good when I am winning, I feel not so good when people around me doing better, I compare them and beat them in my mind. I don’t seems to do it more now. Akhil | Anurag why there relationship will fail and all. Reaveendra seems to enjoy it now. Happiness of pride.

Sensual Intemacy - there are thoughts of domination and submission and intimacy. The voice, image and...

If I am sitting alone and I am at unease, and a thought of social pleasure arises that is the beginning. There is thoughts of impressing others. These thoughts rooted in beliefs of social happiness and suffering is creating desires of different kind. If I don’t have these thoughts there is no desires of social.

At the moment I am observing the want of acceptance. Sooner or later it will be eradicated.

There is a need of acceptance, to impress other people and I reenumrate many times in mind everyday. It getting feeble though there is a senes of pleasure in explaining things to other. Sense of importance. This is coming from ego. This is why I don’t like when someone is disrespectful to me. This is why reenumrate every instance in so many ways, so how can I make the different impression, better impression.

I have to interact everyday with many people. If I am gentle people take me less seriously. Serve him the last. Send him last. There should be little tension and force.

It seems though as I am hesitating while asking for anything I need, for example from dada. And forcing someone seems a bit more relationship tension creating kind of thing.

I feel like to learn more diplomacy and power games and know what to do in which situations. And what to expect. Then there is politics and...