at the moment I mean like literally stripping comparison. or better way to say building equanimity.

the very heart of illusionary fear for me is, fear of judgement. and it’s subtle and defensively heart closing. very unconsciously I compare myself against everyone. specially it gets worse when mind is not calm.

I walk and my mind sees peoples as threat. and If I am not aware it start comparing stuffs like what I am wearing to what other peoples wearing and based on the images I’ve built in my mind by watching media and all. it tells me this is better and that is not. now instead of seeing person in front me. I start seeing better or worse person in front of me. and than it decide I should hide ignore or attack ( of-course amplifying ). I do these comparison with speech and physical appearance as well. if the sex is opposite I do the same comparison other way around.

this is pretty...

mind is a smooth opponent. yesterday again I felt the power of it. the afflictions are powerful. they temporarily blind you. all of the sudden you loose your peripheral awareness and completely owned by the affliction. the vision become very very narrow. there is sense of pleasure for sure. but at same time be very aware what you are choosing over what. and I can see very clearly how it’s gonna stab me back once it has won.

the best way to deal with it is in the bingeing itself. that is the time when mind tells, lets explore it. I am in control, can’t I handle that, I have handled much bigger stuffs before. but that is where it can be watched very clearly. see the trick is don’t avoid, deny or suppress it. instead just watch. let it pass through you.

empty stretch of time and no work to do is favourite place for mind to toy around with me. be vigilant and aware of it. when you are...

it’s been over an year since I am engaged in this practice. retrospectively I can clearly see how linearly I am progressing with it. subtle but continues progress.

from being confused to calm, not agitated all the time.I am also experiencing much more presence of me in myself. first I was able to drop insane habits and relationships. than addictive ones. and as I am moving forward I can see it is the matter of time I would start dropping my fears.

a sense of reality, and clarity is emerging, ego is dissolving and compassion and generosity is evolving. afflictions are loosening their grip, there is a different kind of self confidence becoming stronger everyday. getting less and less frustrated and more and more curious and aspirational.

it is all happening and almost every area of my life is getting better and it is all very very subtle.

slowly but surely it is leading me in the...

as my clarity on priorities fading, so does actions starts to loose edge. so here we go again. reiterating what was the point and why I am doing what I am doing. and needs to be put on the self for now.

the most important thing is to build a authentic, clear and solid self identity. deeply ingrained your belief and foundational habits. so you can live more clearly, openly and fully. destroy false illusion. build underdeveloped skills. cultivate an attitude completely inline with you. reiterate guiding principle until it becomes second nature, reframe illusions until it becomes a clown.

see the thing is it is a lifelong practice. but than again a deliberate initial effort is definitely required. until it grows to a certain level. but just like anything it take it’s time. and watering a plant a plant with penitence is different than flooding a plant.

all it needs is a morning and...

it feels like I am in rush. a rush to get somewhere, and in that rush I am getting sloppy to water the seeds I have planted. sometimes even stretching the plant, so I could feel it looks bigger. there is also false comfort in arithmetic progress which is counter productive.

the game of life is not a small game, it lasts for decades and century. sprinting in this game is not going to take anyone anywhere. and the trick is there is no anywhere. just a false illusion and chasing it gives cheap comfort.

the seeds I am choosing needs watering. and sometime watering the seeds seems mundane and planting a new seed looks exciting. but this process can never grow a single tree.

the interesting part is it looks like that seeds takes so much effort in the beginning, but it requires less and less care as it grow. to the point where it require no attention but provides comfort and food multiple...

I just looked back at my last spiritual sunday post and there is 16 post in between, totally different mindset. reading it seems like something I did way back indeed a week is not a small time.

this was pretty decent week. certainly a week worth living. as I moved through the week, the major portion was occupied with me dealing a project in hand, in namshi. certainly a new kind of experience, struggled in collaboration, also I was engaged with thinking about fear a bit. and it seems like i hit the home run in first day than clean bold after that. I also felt like I was trying hard. the effortless grace of move was missing. I felt I was drifting a bit spiritually. and at the end of the week edges were getting blurred. In last 2 days. I slept at 11-12, and woke up at 7-8. i started to re-read power of now. a thought of playing too small and wasting my time was bubbling up. why not...

recently I am realising, it is not just about skills but also illusions. and you just can’t deal with illusion in the same way you develop a skills.

for example I have certain fears. which are more of illusion than deficiency of skills. if I have to build a skill , being in flow zone is the best way to go about it. but if dealing with an illusion it doesn’t work. you just can’t keep raising a bar and be out of it. speaking with experience as I try to raise the bar (putting myself in more challenging situation ) with with my illusion ( fear of people ), it doesn’t feel right infect as I was bit more aware of my fear. it even agitated my mind more.

solution seems to be realisation of clarity. and ingrained the view deeply. instead of going after it and prove the wrong, wrong. a better way seems to be develop the right view and once developed enough it will puff the wrong view itself.

I know when things are hazy, how they end up. so this is a new experiment I would like to run this weekend. and right now I really need it. I am feeling a bit disconnected and my mind is running around in circle. I am also feeling in a bit of rush and sidetracked.

format -
friday/saturday -
7-12 ( 5 session of samtha practice 40 minute each - first 2 nostril samtha and then watching your mind ) first session with guiding meditation.

take rest and have food.
2-5 ( 3 session of samtha)

after that come to moe and write about spritual sunday and other blog post.

I have this strange unease of someone is watching me in my job. so in case when i have particular work to do or I want to watch a video. there is kind of unease.

the other thing I felt in general that I am very defensive in conversation. to the point where sometime I am kind of disconnect with myself ( kind of isolated scope ) while talking to others. I am really amazed to see how well some of my colleague be themselves. and how well without offending others people assert themselves.

so in the work today, even before that, It was clear that I am not in the samtha today. and In the work I was out of the flow. 1st goal was not clear, second work was too easy for me, fall into the relaxing/boring zone. than I try to be clever lets listen a good conversation while working. obviously create more noise. clarity on my personal goal was dusty. an polluted inspiration of starting up stir up.

a part of me felt like it’s too easy. too secure. too much waste of time. but than again I am writing with an state of agitated mind so I can’t take it that seriously.