fear is such a deal breaking affliction. what could I possibly express if i am afraid of something. in general there is no point of fear it is just unnecessary blocker and just totally distort reality, the best part is, it is very easy to reproduce.

as this week major practice is fear, lets expose yourself to fear and see experientially what you are afraid of.

so one thing that I am clearly afraid of is people, or judgement or what if they think I am stupid, or what if my voice stuttered in between my sentence . I don’t want to feel that gut gruelling feeling.

so one very clear area where I can reproduce it is, shopping malls shops. when I walk into the shop and those people ask me, can I help you sir, that scare the shit out of me. ( and while I am writing this I am also afraid that what if someone reads it. ). I also find it intimidating to go to those fine hotels and barista ask...

do you remember how does this all started ? it was a fucking magic when I use this things called computer in 10th standard. it had an amazing pull. remember Hercules and photo impact. anything I could learn about it, I would. but I never imagine I can also be a programmer. nobody told me and showed me. but something else has been injected in my mind, programming is hard stuff. and than I went to collage still fucking pulled to computers, photoshop animation and stuff like that, can you remember your dream of doing animation course from arena, ohh that would be soo cool. and than comes the era of freelancing. could I be more happy with a job ( at least initially ) ? making sense of how would I move forward. started to learn php so I could do wordpress stuff. and those lucky bastards who get to work on actionscript and earn like 30$ an hour. that was even beyond my imagination. so i...

a very good week. the major highlight of the week is I followed morning ritual quite nicely. included guiding principle in morning ritual. start getting my nerve back. two major thought occupied my mind, understanding and getting rid of my fear and technical aspiration. I am also totally in love with coming to cafe in the morning and work on myself

last night only I saw a powerful rebellion from my mind where I almost give up on attachment while I was facing an empty stretch of time. all the sudden mind gripped me, lured me and I was about to choose mental gratification over self respect. but unlike previously I fought back and won. a clear poc of “you have a choice”.

back in my mind, I am quite happy that I have such perfect sandbox to work on my self here. this is indeed a golden opportunity. and I really want myself to understand it.

spritiuality - I don’t need to say that how...

there are things that comes into the way and fear is leader of them for me. it is seriously affecting quality of my life. and I am experiencing unhealthy amount of it these days. to the point where it is shattering my confidence unexpectedly.

so here is few example from last few weeks.

so I wanted to buy some clothes and I walked into this store. the point I was entering into it, I started to feel my heartbeats going up because of fear. I was feeling very unease internally. totally out of samtha, very vigilant and in avoid any human interaction mode. a guy asked me, sir can I help you. and when I replied and my voice was shattered totally out of confidence. it felt very bad. it happens so many times before in different scenarios. now after that I was feeling vigilant, even at food court.

so why I feel fear ?

I think I was afraid that I might not live upto the mental image I have...

this was one of those week where I impressed myself. I started my routine with integrating morning rituals. and with such a smoothness I did it everyday. I felt more energised and focus throughout the day, regular focus was more on the side of being technically competent and developing guiding principles. I also struggled with affliction and was not very comfortable with peoples. most remarkable incident of the week was retrospective session with alex and confidence fall-down at mall of emirates.
and I am back in cafes.

need not to say the no.1 priority would be implementation of daily rituals this week,

spirituality - this was a good week, i started to chalk down some guiding principle, I had also some face-off with fear. meditation was done perfectly in morning routine and evenings as well. getting out of some old habits like FB and all. although I could have done better with...

2 school of thoughts are - to be happy look outside. or look inside. and the current world I am living is inclined towards the later. and extroverted value became common value. the reason seems to be 80/20 ratio. and there people skills level. because they have cultivated it since way back just like I did with introverted skills.

it is travel the world vs giving a rockstar performance in party thing.

one has the initial aspiration to go deep and understand, and another has aspiration to be the part of the group or may be hero of the group.

and ofcourse it it not the B/W thing.

the very core of mental affliction is dillusion, and the dillusion is that there is something out there that is the cause of the problem and happiness, it just block the reality.

affliction leads to reaction ( not very wise thing to do ).

the 2 core affliction attachment ( driven from the wish to be happy ), and anger ( driven from the wish to be free of suffering ).

the major issue with affliction is, while it promises is it will make me happy, in reality ( by diluting the reality ) it is utterly dissatisfactory. it is pleasurable for a moment ( like releasing the energy ), but dissatisfactory just after that. and step after step, it start gaining control to the point where we are nothing but the slave of affliction.

this the biggest weapon of mind, and preposition for happiness and threatening of suffering. and the biggest opportunity to grow spiritually.

the struggle is progress and it is utterly satisfactory. infect the natural goal of life is to grow. be more complex.

and struggle should be joyful, as long as goals are very clear and fall into the criteria of flow.

never compare expression of one to craft of another.

make expression joyful

and I mean skill in very broad sense. there is no secret sauce. it is simple whatever you put your attention on grows.

event though I agree that different people has different aspiration. nonetheless everyone has to invest his physic to grow anything.

so next time you like anything in anyone, just look how did he comes to this point. how much time and effort he has put into this. there is no magic.

and the trick is if you put your consciousness into confusion, confusion grows, if you put your consciousness into clarity, clarity grows.

the most bare bone reality is, humans are just animals with more complex brain. that’s it. and nature is not a friendly companion.

with this primal reality comes 2 fundamental aspiration, not willing to suffer and trying to be happy.

to be honest just not having to worry about food and shelter is truly in itself is worthy of gratitude, on top of it, freedom to do anything, good health and having a family to love is just overwhelming.

anything above this is just opinions, there is no right or wrong. e.g. you should be like steve jobs. these are not the rules of nature.